


write it on your heart (i'm yours)

by perfectlyrose



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (Keith's dad & Shiro's grandfather & unnamed characters), (they are together for a bit and then break up), Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Historical, Childhood Friends, Epistolary, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Historical Fantasy, Letters, M/M, Minor Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Nobility, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Shiro (Voltron), Reunions, Romance, Slow Burn, War, everyone knows they're in love but them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22996279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perfectlyrose/pseuds/perfectlyrose
Summary: Takashi turns eleven and tells Keith that his parents are looking at schools to send him to soon. His chest hurts when Keith’s expression falls, cracking into something sad and pained that Takashi has never seen before. Keith swallows hard and then slugs Takashi in the arm with a smile and tells him that he better get good at writing letters if he’s going to go away.Takashi retaliates in kind; an elbow to the ribs and a taunt that Keith needs to learn to write period.They’re more inseparable than usual as Takashi’s departure date looms ever nearer.Takashi and Keith meet when Takashi is nine and Keith is seven and are best friends from that moment on. Their bond is tested by distance and personal tragedies and milestones, as well as growing feelings that are more than friendship. At eighteen, Takashi goes to war and just when things start to fall into place, everything falls apart.Fate-bound, the friends find their way back to each other and the love that has always bloomed between them.
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 62
Kudos: 220
Collections: Sheithlentines 2020





	write it on your heart (i'm yours)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magisterpavus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magisterpavus/gifts).



> Happy (belated) Sheithlentines, [Ele](https://twitter.com/saltyshiro)!! I.... got a little carried away because i fell in love with your prompt. I could honestly double the length of this and still not be done probably.
> 
> Thank you for being such an amazing part of this fandom and I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> You asked for S&K being those idiots who are basically dating and everyone but them realizes + historical AU with some pining best friend letters and some DRAMA. I picked up those fantasy AU bonus points because I love me a fantasy au ♥
> 
> Note re: tags -- I went ahead with the graphic description of violence tag as there is talk of Shiro at war and bloodshed but it's not overly graphic.

The Shirogane estate is sprawling; old and grand and storied, home to generations of the ducal family. Takashi Shirogane is in line to be the sixteenth duke, but that’s so far off that he hasn’t started to worry about it much yet. He’s only nine, after all. Plenty of time to learn all the ins and outs of being a duke. It’s bad enough that he has to sit through etiquette lessons with his grandmother and his governess three times a week already. School lessons are far more interesting, but he still finds himself trying hard not to kick his heels against his chair as boredom buzzes just beneath his skin when he’d rather be outside rather than learning maths.

Today he’s been set free, his tutor feeling just ill enough to not want to deal with him. So Takashi is reveling in the sunshine by the stream a good distance behind the manor house. No one else is ever down here unless they are looking for him and he figures he has several hours before then, especially since he stopped by the kitchens first to get some food to take with him.

He has all day to enjoy the beautiful autumn weather. The trees have started to change colors; a riot of red and orange mixed in with the fading green. There’s a chill to the air, but with the sun shining he’s more than comfortable stretched out in the grass on top of his cloak instead of using it as a blanket.

Takashi is lamenting the fact that the cooler weather precludes him from swimming when he hears the snap of a twig. He tenses, knowing beyond a doubt that it’s not an animal approaching his little sanctuary. He might not be old enough to start training to refine his Ability, but sensing nearby creatures has always been easy for him and this is no deer.

He wraps his hand around the hilt of his knife and sits up quickly, opening his eyes to scan the area.

“Who’s there?” he calls out. He’s proud that his voice doesn’t waver. He should be safe on Shirogane ground, but his grandfather always tells him it’s better to be cautious in unknown situations.

The woods are silent around him. Too silent.

“I asked who’s there?” Takashi repeats. His grip on his knife is white-knuckled.

He’s just starting to think he should use the emergency talisman his mother made him to call for help when someone steps out from behind a tree.

It’s a boy, small and slender and as dark-haired as Takashi, though this boy’s hair looks like his mother doesn’t insist on it being kept mostly neat. His eyes are wide and his clothes are rumpled and Takashi thinks he must be lost.

So he asks if that’s the case, letting go of his knife since the other boy’s hands are nowhere near the blade on his own belt.

The boy hesitates before shaking his head. He bites his bottom lip and twists handfuls of his cloak in his fists.

“It’s okay if you are,” Takashi tells him. “I know where we are and I can help you get home!”

“I’m not lost,” the other boy says.

“Then where are we?”

“Thought you said you knew where we are,” he shoots back, chin set at a stubborn tilt.

Takashi laughs. The boy must be a couple years younger than Takashi and yet he doesn’t seem much intimidated.

“Don’t laugh at me,” the boy snaps. Takashi reconsiders how scared the boy might be at the slight waver to his voice.

“I wasn’t,” he soothes. “Just thought you were clever, turning it back on me like that.”

The boy eyes him warily.

“I’m Takashi,” he continues. “What’s your name?”

The boy hesitates for a moment. “Keith,” he finally says.

“It’s nice to meet you, Keith! Do you want to share the food I brought with me?”

Keith takes a step forward before stopping. “Do you offer food to every stranger you meet?”

“No, just the ones who look like they’ll be good company,” Takashi says. He smiles at Keith. He is intrigued by this boy and his flashing eyes. “There’s not many people my age at home,” he admits. “Maybe we can be friends.”

Keith comes closer. Takashi can see the snags in his cloak now and a nearly invisible patch on one knee of his trousers.

“Maybe,” he says after a moment. “I don’t really have any friends.”

“Then we have to be!” Takashi insists. “Sit down, I have bread from today and some cheese and I think Cook snuck a few meat pasties into my pack since she knew I was going to be out all day and that they’re my favorite.”

Keith looks a little stunned as he sits down on the grass near Takashi. “You’re… no one’s… there’s not anyone my age at home either,” he says.

Takashi pauses for a split second as he works to untie the bag of food. “Then it’s fate that you ended up here today. We’re meant to be friends.”

Keith nods solemnly. “Fate-bound,” he says. It has more weight in his mouth than Takashi’s off-hand comment, but it sounds right still.

By the time they’ve polished off all the food, Takashi has gotten Keith to relax and laugh. He’s also fully determined that they are in fact going to stay friends. He’ll make sure of it. It’s easier with him than it’s ever been with the children of local families that his parents take him to visit. The other children around the estate are always too aware of his station to want to play with him when he sneaks away.

He hopes Keith doesn’t do the same thing when he finds out who Takashi is.

The afternoon sun is just starting its descent towards the horizon when Takashi reluctantly sets off on the path back home, Keith at his side. He’d admitted that he was in fact a bit lost and Takashi had promised to take him back to his house so someone could take Keith home.

“My dad’s probably starting to get worried,” Keith says as they walk. “I’m out on my own a lot, but I usually see him during the day at least once.”

Takashi opens his mouth to respond, but a loud shout of his name cuts him off. It’s Iverson, their estate manager, stalking towards them with a stormy expression.

Keith freezes and Takashi instinctively steps in front of him.

“Takashi, your mother has been looking for you. She was starting to get worried.”

“Sorry, sir,” Takashi says. “I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I was down by the stream since Master Yarrow cancelled my lessons. I’ll go find Mother now. I want her to meet Keith.”

Iverson narrows his eyes at the small boy standing just behind Takashi. “And where did you meet this Keith?”

“I met Takashi down by the stream,” Keith says, stepping forward to stand next to him. The back of his hand presses against Takashi’s. He’s shaking just a little even though he’s giving Iverson a brave face. “I got lost and he promised he’d help me get home.”

“We’re friends now,” Takashi announces, tilting his chin up. “I want to introduce him to Mother before he has to go home.”

Iverson sighs. “You don’t even know who he is, Takashi. You can’t bring people home like strays. It’s not safe.”

“He’s not a stray,” Takashi snaps. “He’s my friend and he needs my help. Besides, Keith won’t hurt me.”

Keith moves to grip his hand, holding on tight. Takashi squeezes back, trying to comfort him.

“I hope you’re right,” Iverson says, rubbing his temples. “I’ll escort you both back to the house.”

Takashi doesn’t let go of Keith’s hand the whole way back, even when Keith stops in his tracks as the manor house comes into view.

“You live there?” Keith whispers.

“Yes,” Takashi says. He turns to face Keith, not caring that Iverson continued on without them. “I know it’s really big, but I’ll show all the best places next time you can come over.”

“Will I be allowed to come over?”

“Of course! If… if you want to,” Takashi says.

Keith’s eyes are sharp as he assesses Takashi anew, catching on the quality of his clothes and the comfort with which he stands in the shadow of the large manor. “This is the Shirogane estate,” he says.

Takashi nods.

“You’re Takashi Shirogane, aren’t you? Your family is in charge of all this.”

Takashi nods again. “My grandfather is the duke. Sometimes people feel like they can’t be my friend when they find out, though, so I didn’t tell you earlier. But I really want to be your friend.”

“We’re fate-bound,” Keith says. He aims a crooked little smile at Takashi. “Not getting rid of me just because you’ve got a fancy title and big house.”

Takashi’s laugh is tinted with relief. “Good. Let’s catch up with Iverson before he gets mad. Once I’ve assured my mother that I’m alive and haven’t been kidnapped by forest creatures she’ll make sure you get home safe.”

“Okay,” Keith says. He squeezes Takashi’s hand and hurries with him to catch up with Iverson.

Takashi blushes when his mother fusses over him in front of Keith. His hand feels cold now that it’s not joined with Keith’s.

His new friend is almost shy in front of his mother, who calls for tea, insisting that she get to meet her son’s new friend properly before they send him home. 

Keith takes a cautious seat on the settee across from his mother’s chair, cup of tea clutched in his hands. His feet don’t quite touch the ground and he keeps shooting the delicate porcelain in his hands worried looks.

Keith’s answers to her gentle questioning are short but not curt. It’s like he’s just not used to this kind of situation and Takashi gets the feeling that he’s trying really hard not to mess up.

“Takashi said your name is Keith, is that right?”

“Yes, my lady. Keith Kogane.”

“Ah, then your father must be our neighbor Mister Heath Kogane.”

“Yes, my lady.”

She smiles at Keith. “You don’t have to be so formal, Keith. You are Takashi’s friend and we’re at home.”

Keith just nods in response and takes a careful sip of tea.

“Your father is a good neighbor to us. He keeps his land well.”

“He works hard,” Keith says.

“What of your mother? I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of making her acquaintance.”

Takashi’s heart pangs when he sees Keith’s face fall. He reaches over and squeezes Keith’s arm, hoping to somehow comfort him.

“She’s gone, my lady. It’s just me and my dad.”

“Ah, I’m sorry, Keith. It’s hard to lose a parent so young. You look to be about Takashi’s age, is that right?”

“I’m seven,” he says. “I’ll be eight in October.” He shoots Takashi a curious look.

“I’m nine,” he says in answer to the unspoken question. “I’ll be ten in February.”

He’s excited about his next birthday. Turning ten means starting lessons to determine and refine his Ability.

They spend the next half an hour talking about the boys’ lessons. Takashi is uncomfortably reminded that he’s incredibly lucky to have the tutor and lessons that he does. He forgets sometimes that not everyone has the opportunities to learn and study that he does. It’s obvious that Keith is one who doesn’t have the opportunity when the interest on Keith’s face sharpens into something like longing as Takashi describes the history lessons he’d done last month. Keith is evasive when he talks about his own lessons, though it’s obvious he has some schooling and hungers for it.

Soon, it is time for Keith to go home. Takashi isn’t ready to see him go. He wants to take Keith back out to the woods and get him to laugh some more, wants to show him all his favorite hiding spots in the house where he doesn’t have to sit in the parlour and worry about etiquette rules and protocols.

“Do you ride?” Takashi’s mother asks.

Keith nods.

“Why don’t we ride over to your father’s land? That way I know you’ve made it home safe and can reassure your father as to where you’ve been today.”

“Can I come, Mother?” Takashi asks, eager to steal more time with Keith as well as to go on a ride.

“Yes, Takashi. If the two of you don’t mind sharing a mount, we can just take two horses over. It’s not a long ride.”

“I don’t mind,” Takashi says.

“Me neither,” Keith says.

Takashi’s mother rises to her feet. “I’ll go change into riding clothes. Takashi, take Keith to the stable and have Stefan saddle Opal for me while you ready Orion for you and Keith.”

“Yes, Mother!” Takashi gets to his feet and takes Keith’s hand and tugs him out the door and towards the stables.

Keith makes friends with Orion, petting his nose while Takashi saddles him. He even figures out that Orion melts when anyone rubs at his star without Takashi telling him.

The ride to the Kogane estate is short. Keith rides in front of Takashi on Orion and seems perfectly at home on horseback. Takashi is disappointed when the house comes into view, still not ready to tell Keith goodbye.

It’s a modest manor, a well-kept brick house with tidy grounds. A man of imposing size is out front as they ride up. His face is full of relief as he spots Keith in front of Takashi. Keith squirms out of the saddle as soon as they’ve come to a stop and runs over to the man who must be his father.

Takashi listens as Keith hurriedly fills his father in on the day’s events. He shoots Takashi a few appraising looks that make him straighten his spine, hoping not to be found wanting.

Takashi’s mother dismounts and Takashi quickly follows suit. Keith gravitates over towards him while their parents have a quiet discussion.

“I’ll see you again, right?” Keith asks, looking up at Takashi through unruly bangs.

“Of course,” Takashi says. “Know where you live now! Don’t have to rely on meeting by chance in the woods.”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon then, Takashi.” He hesitates before continuing, “Don’t forget about me, okay?”

“Never,” Takashi promises.

From that day on, Keith is a frequent presence in the Shirogane manor and grounds. Whenever Takashi has free time, he goes to find his new friend. He shows him all his favorite hiding spots and marvels at the awe on Keith’s face when he takes him into the Shirogane library.

It doesn’t take long for Takashi to figure out that Keith has a voracious appetite for learning. It takes a bit longer, however, to tease past Keith’s reticence and find out that he’d already torn through what the local school had to offer and has been teaching himself what he can from his father’s library. He’s quick to tell Takashi that his father helps him and teaches what he can.

Takashi feels guilty thinking about how often he’s tried to get out of his lessons when someone with as much potential and motivation as Keith hasn’t even had the chance to attend.

He starts teaching Keith what he’s learning in his lessons and convinces him to take a bunch of his old books to fill in the gaps.

Keith meets Takashi’s grandparents and Takashi is amused by how his grandmother is immediately charmed by his new friend. The two of them have the same biting wit and he feels like she somehow sensed that kinship through the facade of Keith’s shyness when faced with the Duke and Duchess.

It’s Takashi’s father who pulls him and Keith aside one day and asks if Keith’s father would be alright with Keith coming over to join Takashi’s lessons officially. Keith and Takashi make it to Keith’s home long before Takashi’s father and rush to find Keith’s father to ask him, practically tripping over themselves. The man laughs heartily at their twin expressions of hope and then ruffles their hair and grants his permission as long as he can talk to Takashi’s father to make sure it’s really okay.

Takashi likes Keith’s father a lot. He’s kind and has a big smile and is free with his hugs and his bits of practical knowledge. Takashi knows that Keith’s father is a member of the gentry and not the nobility, and he knows that working the land hasn’t been particularly kind to anyone for several years. It shows in the way most of Keith’s clothes are mended and made over and the absence of a tutor for Keith and the way father and son are both well-versed in using every inch of something.

Their home may not be filled with servants and items, Takashi thinks, but it’s warm and welcoming and he just hopes Keith feels as at ease at Shirogane Manor as he feels at the Kogane’s.

Keith turns eight and Takashi and his family give him gifts when he shows up for lessons. Keith looks a little overwhelmed but he hugs everyone and thanks them several times over. Takashi got him a sketchbook and some pencils, having seen the little doodles Keith did in the margins of his papers. 

He doesn’t see Keith without that sketchbook close to hand for months and it warms his heart.

Takashi turns ten and while Keith doesn’t attend his family celebration (he demurs, saying that he’ll give Takashi his present later), he can’t wait to see him afterwards. His cloak is heavy with the scent of rosemary and sandalwood from the ceremony marking his first step into honing his Ability when he finds Keith in the woods just before the sun begins to set. Snow is thick on the ground and the air crackles with cold.

Keith gives him a hug and then shyly presents him with a rolled up piece of paper, tied closed with a pretty piece of purple ribbon.

Takashi pockets the ribbon and carefully unrolls the paper. He gasps as he realizes that it’s a drawing of him and Orion, lovingly rendered by his best friend with the pencils that Takashi gave him months ago.

“Do you like it?” Keith asks nervously. “I know I’m not that good at drawing yet and that it’s nothing as good as the pencils but—”

Takashi cuts him off with a tight hug. “I love it, Keith, thank you.”

He hangs the drawing carefully above his desk when he gets home.

It is joined by more drawings as the months pass. Keith is always shy when he presents Takashi with one, but always so happy when Takashi praises his work and is effusively glad to receive each piece of art.

Takashi always finds reasons to grab Keith’s hand when they’re going somewhere together. No one comments on it; seeing Takashi and Keith running hand in hand is a common sight. The simple touch fills Takashi with warmth and makes him feel safe.

Now that he has a best friend, he realizes just how lonely he’d been. He thinks Keith feels the same even though they never exactly talk about it.

They talk about everything else. Their lessons, their families, their dreams — plausible and implausible both. 

Keith wants to travel the world, see the deserts and ice fields they learn about in person. He wants to see lights dance across the sky. He tells Takashi this in whispers on a summer day as they’re laying in the grass where they first met. The air is heavy with heat and time feels like it’s slowed to a stop, like secrets and wishes shared in a moment like this won’t be too much.

Keith turns nine and tells Takashi that he wants a dog of his own one day but his dad told him not until he is older.

He tells Takashi that he wants to find out more about his mother, find the half of his family that he doesn’t know. This information is shared on a winter night when Keith is staying at the Shirogane manor for the night since a storm rolled in during their lessons. He whispers it into the dark of the room they’re sharing after Takashi tells him about wanting to make a lasting mark on the world somehow, even though he doesn’t know how yet.

Takashi turns eleven and tells Keith that his parents are looking at schools to send him to soon. His chest hurts when Keith’s expression falls, cracking into something sad and pained that Takashi has never seen before. Keith swallows hard and then slugs Takashi in the arm with a smile and tells him that he better get good at writing letters if he’s going to go away.

Takashi retaliates in kind; an elbow to the ribs and a taunt that Keith needs to learn to write period.

They’re more inseparable than usual as Takashi’s departure date looms ever nearer.

It isn’t unusual for Takashi to find Keith staring off into space, expression tilted towards melancholy. But as soon as Keith realizes Takashi is there, he’ll smile and everything feels normal.

“Do you think you’ll like being away from home?” Keith asks one day. It’s two weeks before Takashi has to leave and half of his things are already packed. He hasn’t had the heart to take down Keith’s drawings from over his desk yet, but he plans on taking them with him.

Takashi shrugs. “I think I’ll miss home,” he says.  _ Miss you _ , he thinks. “But at least I’ll get to hear someone other than Master Yarrow drone on about maths and history.”

Keith hums in response. His eyes are on the pieces of grass he’s plucking from the ground and letting the wind take.

“Are you going to miss me?” Takashi asks before he can stop himself.

Keith pins him in place with those wide purple eyes, brimming with a cocktail of emotions that Takashi can’t even hope to identify. “Of course, Takashi.”

Takashi loves him for not asking him to stay even though he can see how much Keith wants to. Instead Keith flashes that sharp grin of his at him and challenges him to a tree climbing competition that’s bound to get them in trouble.

The day before Takashi is set to leave, he spends hours with Keith just doing nothing and wishing fervently that his best friend was coming to school with him. When it’s time for Keith to return home, Takashi has said none of what he intended to. He hugs Keith as tight as he can and lets promises to write, to come home, to not forget him roll off his tongue too fast and right into Keith’s ear.

He pretends not to notice the tears making Keith’s eyes glitter when he pulls back.

When he arrives at school, the carefully packed folder of drawings in his trunk is the first thing he unpacks. He tucks it away between his bed and the wall so no one gets an idea to destroy the precious bits of Keith he brought with him.

_ Dear Takashi, _

_ I hope your first couple of weeks at school have gone well. I imagine that you’re busy with all your lessons and new friends. I bet everyone wants to be your friend and doesn’t even hate you for being the best at all your classes. _

_ I don’t know how your parents convinced my dad to let me continue taking lessons with your tutor even though you’re not here and they have no other reason to keep him on. I’m glad of it, though. Hopefully, even if they come to their senses and remember that I’m just the neighbor kid who hangs around and dismiss the tutor, they’ll still let me use the library. It’d take me years to read through the whole thing. Maybe I’ll finally find the  _ **_interesting_ ** _ books you keep teasing me with but not sharing now that you’re not distracting me. I don’t know that I believe you that there are some in the Shirogane library. Bet you’ll get to see some new ones at school. _

_ Nothing much has changed here, except for you being gone. So it’s quieter, I guess. I’ve been drawing a lot. I will have to save up to get a new sketchbook soon or I’ll run out of room. I’m working on something to send you, but it’s not ready yet so you’ll have to wait. Gives you a reason to look forward to my next letter. Gives you a reason to mutter one of your ridiculous mantras under your breath too. _

_ Patience yields focus, Takashi. _

_ Guess I should remember that for myself too. You’ve told me often enough, after all. _

_ Anyways, everyone misses you. I miss you. I hope you’re having a good time at school, but don’t forget about me completely, okay? _

_ Yours _ _ Your impatient and unfocused friend, _

_ Keith _

_ Dear Keith, _

_ I’m sorry it’s taken a while to write! We weren’t given permission to write to non-family members until this week. I’ve gotten your letters though and I probably have them memorized by now. Believe me, while I look forward to receiving a drawing from you, I look forward to getting your letters even without the added incentive. _

_ Classes are going well. Master Yarrow already covered most of what we’re learning right now but I don’t expect it to stay this easy forever. My favorite classes are the ones focused on honing our Abilities. They have interesting takes on where our Abilities come from and how they can be used. Not sure if I agree with everything but I would be a pitiful excuse of a student if I agreed with every opinion of my teachers, wouldn’t I? _

_ The other students are nice enough. I’ve made friends with one boy especially. His name is Matt and he’s heir to the Earl of Holt. He makes the oddest contraptions that I think you would like immensely and is forever getting in trouble even though he’s the top student in our math and science courses. _

_ As to the books…. I will neither confirm nor deny their existence in the Shirogane library or here at school. I will say that my education is... well-rounded here. Plus you’re not old enough for those books yet. I wasn’t sharing for a reason. _

_ And Keith, you know my whole family adores you. They’ll keep Master Yarrow on for as long as he has things to teach you because you deserve to learn as much as I did. I bet Grandmother has roped you into a few etiquette lessons by now, too. Enjoy. You know the hiding spots I used to get out of them. _

_ I have to get back to studying, but write again soon. I miss you as well. Be well and stay out of trouble. _

_ Your tired friend, _

_ Takashi _

Takashi keeps all of Keith’s letters, which come weekly even when he doesn’t have time to reply in kind, in the folder with his drawings. Matt teases him about the frequent correspondence and the way every letter draws a smile from Takashi. He puts extra weight on the word “friend” every time he refers to Keith and Takashi just ignores him.

Keith is his best friend. Closer to him than many of the other boys’ brothers are to them. He doesn’t expect anyone to understand that connection formed by the creek and sealed with Keith declaring them fate-bound.

So he ignores Matt and writes Keith as much as he can, even when the rigors of the school have him bone-tired. He would rather face punishment for falling asleep in class rather than let Keith’s birthday pass without a letter from Takashi and a gift that he asks his parents to buy for Keith out of Takashi’s allowance. He hopes Keith likes the new sketchbook and wishes like anything that he could be there to help celebrate Keith’s tenth birthday properly.

_ Dear Takashi, _

_ Get some rest or I will ride up there and force you to take a nap. Your handwriting last letter was shaky enough to worry me since you always like to brag about your penmanship being neater than mine. _

_ Thank you for the birthday gift, even though I wasn’t telling you about my sketchbook getting full as a hint or anything. I’ve included my first sketch from the new book in here for you. I know you’re coming home for the winter holidays soon but I thought you might be missing home a bit. I’m still trying to get the shading right but hopefully our spot by the creek is recognizable. _

_ My birthday was pretty uneventful which I know you’re going to try and get upset about since it’s my tenth. I had a nice dinner with my dad and the Johnsons and then my dad did my Ability ceremony in the study. Nothing as fancy as what you told me about yours but it was perfect for me. _

_ I have to cut this letter short or I’ll be late to lessons with Master Yarrow and you know that never goes over well. Miss you and hope you’re getting enough sleep so you’re not sick when you come home. _

_ Your concerned friend, _

_ Keith _

Keith doesn’t get another letter back before Takashi is back home for the winter holidays. He is practically vibrating with the urge to rush over to the Shirogane estate to see him; Keith’s missed him  _ so much _ these past months. His father urges him to wait, to give Takashi time to reunite with his family first and Keith reluctantly agrees.

He’s sitting with Mrs. Johnson, going over the household accounts, learning what to look for and why, when the door flies open, revealing a grinning and flushed Takashi.

Keith doesn’t waste a second. He is out of his seat and plastered to Takashi in a tight hug within the span of a heartbeat. He vaguely hears Mrs. Johnson laugh and excuse herself but his focus is entirely on his friend and the faint, familiar scent of cedar that always clings to him that he’d started to forget.

“Missed me after all, then?” Takashi teases, like he’s not holding on as tightly as Keith.

Keith just nods against his chest.

“You didn’t come to see me when I got home so I wondered.”

“Dad said I had to wait,” Keith mumbles. “Give you time with your family.”

Takashi squeezes him extra tight. “You are family, Keith.”

“I’m glad you’re home.” Keith pulls away just enough to look up at his friend. He scowls at him. “You got taller,” he accuses.

“Maybe you got shorter.”

“I will catch up with you one day,” Keith declares.

“Looking forward to it,” Takashi says with a laugh. “Now, do you think your father will let you come over for dinner? He’s invited too. I even have written proof from my mother. Cook is making all my favorites to welcome me back.”

Keith laughs and pokes Shiro in the chest. “Spoiled.”

“You’re benefiting from it so no complaining.”

“Let’s go find my dad and let him know. I’m sure it’ll be fine with him,” Keith says.

He slips his hand in Takashi’s and leads him outside, something in him settling at the familiar contact that he’d been missing for months.

The four weeks of break that Takashi is granted fly by in what feels like a blink of the eye to Keith. Before he knows it, he’s bidding farewell to his friend again and facing long months of tedium and an emptiness he doesn’t like to acknowledge as loneliness.

Takashi’s twelfth birthday comes and goes without the usual festive air. Keith sends a letter with a new drawing to mark the occasion.

Keith falls into the altered rhythm of his days. He goes to lessons at the Shirogane manor and on days when he does not, he has estate lessons with his father or the Johnsons. Once a week, his dad will take an afternoon to help him start feeling out the edges of his Ability. It’s always a frustrating endeavor. Keith can feel the coil of power in his core, but he can’t make it listen to him, can’t figure out what will call it out and what it will be good for.

His father just smiles that slightly sad smile he has whenever something reminds him of Keith’s mother. “I wondered if it would be this way for you,” he says, gruff voice soft. “Your mother’s family has a unique relationship with their Abilities and how they manifest. Hopefully we’ll stumble upon the right method since you’ve just got me here to help right now.” He ruffles Keith’s hair affectionately.

He always talks about Keith’s mother this way. Like she might come back one day. Keith clings to every piece of information about her that his dad lets slip and works hard to train his uncooperative Ability.

When he has free time, he slips away to the Shirogane stables. His father had to sell their riding horses for money to buy seeds this spring, but the stablemaster for the Shiroganes always welcomes Keith and teaches him alongside the paid stablehands how to handle and care for the animals. Keith’s father's Ability connects him with animals, lets him instinctively know what they need and communicate what he needs from them, so Keith has learned to be good with horses since he was old enough to enter the stables, but still he learns.

Keith writes Takashi every week, keeping him updated on what is happening here at home. He leaves out some things that feel too heavy to write; the true state of affairs on his father’s estate, how the crops are struggling and therefore money is even tighter than usual, that Keith uses almost all of his meager savings to buy pencils to draw and postage to send letters. He glosses over how much he misses Takashi, unable to put the whole-body feeling into words.

He saves every letter he gets back, clinging to the news of what Takashi’s life is like at school and the confirmation that he hasn’t forgotten his friend back home.

Keith studies harder than ever, hoping that if he just works hard enough he’ll earn one of the coveted scholarship positions at Takashi’s school.

  
  


_ Dear Keith, _

_ I think it’s my turn to threaten to ride down and make you rest if you will not do it yourself. You sound like you’re working far harder than me and I worry about you. You’re not old enough to be as stressed as me yet! _

_ I am sending you a package. I believe this letter will arrive before it, or so I’m hoping. I’ve included some books that I enjoyed recently but have finished with. I thought you might enjoy them as well and when you’ve had a chance to read them, we could talk about them like we used to. I miss sitting around and just talking with you while we ignored our assignments from Master Yarrow and discussed everything and anything. _

_ I can’t wait until summer when we’ll be free to play again. I have so much that I want to tell you in person. It’s not as fun to write all of my stories down when I can’t see your reaction to them in person. _

_ I miss you and hopefully time will pass quickly until I am back home again. _

_ Your worried and nostalgic friend, _

_ Takashi _

The homesickness is worse the second semester, Takashi thinks. The newness of being at school has lost its shine and he misses his family and he misses Keith. There’s something about Keith’s letters that has him worried, too. He sounds more careful, like he’s tiptoeing around something.

All he can do is write whenever he has the chance and count down the days until he can see Keith in person again.

Summer eventually reunites them and for a couple of months, it’s almost like nothing has changed. They spend lazy days by the stream and take the horses out for rides and wile away hours in all of Takashi’s favorite hiding places.

Keith is a little quieter, Takashi thinks. His smile is still brash and sharp but it takes a little more teasing to coax it out. Now that he’s home, he can see the hardship that is plaguing the Koganes. There’s not much he can do, but he insists Keith take a whole bunch of his barely worn clothes, claiming he’s outgrown them and they might as well get used. Keith tries to argue but Takashi wins by telling Keith that he really wants him to have them, that it will make him happy.

Before they know it, it’s time to part ways again. Keith hangs on to Takashi’s hand until the last possible second, trying to memorize the feeling to tuck away for the long months ahead.

The year passes in much the same way as the one before. Keith turns eleven and realizes that even if he were to apply for a scholarship position at Takashi’s school and be selected, he can’t leave his father when the estate is struggling. Even his help, minor as it is, is needed.

He doesn’t tell Takashi that he even considered trying to follow him. Talking about dreams that aren’t to be realized hurts too much now.

Takashi turns thirteen and misses his friend with a dull ache in his chest that letters can’t ease. His classmates talk about the different girls and boys that have caught their eye and Takashi can’t help thinking that no one he’s seen has ever measured up to the boy he left behind with his sharp smiles and wide eyes and big heart. Matt gives him knowing looks and Takashi pushes the thoughts away. Keith is  _ Keith _ and it’s not like that.

Master Yarrow claims he’s taught Keith everything he can not long after Keith’s twelfth birthday. The Shiroganes thank him for his years of service and give him glowing letters of recommendation to carry to his next job. For Keith, they offer their library whenever he wishes to use it and an equally open invitation to talk to any of the family and staff members about any of his interests that they can help him with.

Keith tells Takashi this and Takashi tells him where all his schoolbooks from previous years are so Keith can use them as well.

Every winter and every summer, Takashi and Keith are reunited and their friendship is renewed like no time has passed. They each have an ever-growing collection of letters from the other that they read when the loneliness sets in, but they never mention it to each other. They’re best friends, truly the best of best friends, and Takashi wouldn’t trade that for anything.

He comes home a few months after Keith’s fourteenth birthday to find him a few inches taller than when he left and has to mentally chide himself for being so struck by how pretty his friend is. He’s obviously been listening to the boys in his class too much and missing Keith too much.

Takashi turns sixteen and meets a new boy at school. Keith is glad no one is around to see his reaction to that letter or the realizations that follow it.

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Do you remember me mentioning that a new student was transferring into our class at the start of this semester? And that I’d volunteered to show him around and help him settle in? Well, we became friends. His name is Adam. His father is a viscount in the west part of the country. _

_ You’re probably wondering why I’m bringing this up since I don’t usually go into detail about new friends like this. But I have a point here, I promise. A couple of days ago Adam and I were studying out by that oak tree I’ve told you about and he told me he really liked me and then kissed me! No one’s ever kissed me before! We’re going into town this weekend on a date and I’m excited. _

_ I think I really like him, Keith. I think you’d like him too. He’s smart and sarcastic and makes me laugh. _

_ Wish me luck? I feel like I’m going to need it with how I keep feeling like I’ve got my foot in my mouth around him! _

_ Your excited friend, _

_ Takashi _

The paper crinkles in Keith’s tight grip as pain lances through his chest. It takes a few deep breaths for him to realize why he’s feeling like this instead of being happy for his best friend’s happiness. He’s  _ jealous _ and  _ hurt _ and it’s because Takashi is everything to him, because Takashi is his best friend but Keith loves him as more than that and just never knew to put a name to it until now.

It’s dumb, he thinks as he dashes the back of his hand across his eyes to wipe away tears. Of course Takashi would find someone else to love. Keith is just a little brother to him, probably. Takashi hadn’t even written the letter the night the kiss happened. It’s hard not to feel like an afterthought, like Takashi is finally outgrowing him and the small world that Keith inhabits here at their estates.

He takes a day to try and rein in his emotions, to focus on being the friend he’s always been for Takashi, before writing back and wishing Takashi luck with Adam.

When Takashi comes home for the summer, it’s with tales of Adam on his lips. Keith has had plenty of time to come to terms with his own feelings and it’s only a little bittersweet that they fall into their normal friendship like nothing has changed. Keith guesses that it hasn’t really. Loving Takashi is a constant in his life, he just is more aware of it now.

He knows Takashi loves him too, and is mostly content with knowing that it’s the strongest platonic love, not anything more. It’s enough and Keith never wants to risk losing it.

Everything is the same as fall settles in. Takashi writes home about school and Adam and the mischief he and Matt have caused lately. He hangs his newest drawing from Keith on the wall next to his bed and it’s the last thing he sees every night before he closes his eyes.

A couple of weeks before Takashi is set to go home for winter holidays, a stack of four letters is delivered to him. He’s been denied mail from non-family members for a week as punishment for a prank he helped Matt pull. Three of the letters are from Keith. One is from his mother, mistakenly set between Keith’s and not delivered to him earlier.

A sense of dread washes over him as he stares at the envelopes. Keith sends one letter a week like clockwork. To have three means something happened. The messiness of Keith’s hand on the outside of the letters bodes ill.

He opens the first one, scanning desperately for news. It’s nothing but Keith’s normal weekly letter, updating him on what he’s reading and doing and following up on things Shiro said in his last letter.

The second letter has the shakiest writing of the trio and Takashi’s heart drops as he starts to read.

_ Takashi, _

_ My father is gone. He was on his way home from town and saw the Reyes’s stable on fire and went to help get the animals out. You know how he is with horses and helping people. Was. _

_ They told me he went in one too many times. The building collapsed on him. _

_ Come home for his funeral. I need you here. Please. _

_ Keith _

The paper is stained with Keith’s tears and a few of Takashi’s. The date in the top right corner is the day Takashi’s punishment began. It’s been a  _ week _ . Takashi’s stomach falls to his feet as he realizes that Keith must think that he is ignoring his letters.

He quickly tears open Keith’s last letter. This one is dated yesterday.

_ Takashi, _

_ I know you’re busy but please come home. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I can’t do this on my own. The funeral is in three days. I need you to be here. _

_ Please. _

_ Keith _

Takashi rips into the letter from his mother, sees that it came the same day as Keith’s second letter. It contains the same information about Keith’s father. She tells him that they’re doing what they can to care for Keith but urges him to come home as soon as possible.

He hasn’t even finished reading before he is packing a bag and running out the door. He’ll write the school from home, right now he needs to  _ go _ . Takashi saddles Orion and pays a stablehand generously to tell Matt where he’s going and that it’s a family emergency.

Within twenty minutes of receiving the letters, Takashi is galloping towards home, praying that he makes it in time to be there for Keith when he needs him.

When Takashi slides off his horse, his legs don't support him. He'd ridden Orion far past what he should ask of his mount but he's  _ here _ .

He stares at the darkened Kogane house and wonders if he should have gone home first, if his family convinced Keith to stay with them after all. He feels like Keith is here, though. It takes him a minute to convince his body to cross the short distance to the door.

He knocks as loud as he dares. It's late and the house is dark for a reason, he's sure.

The knock barely has time to echo before the door opens, revealing a pale and wide-eyed Keith.

"Takashi," he breathes. "You're here?"

"I came the second I got your letters," Takashi swears, not wanting Keith to believe for a moment longer that he would ignore his distress and his pleas. "I would have been here sooner if I'd known. I'm so sorry, Keith."

Sorry for what happened, sorry for not being here sooner.

Keith lurches forward and wraps his arms around Takashi, a sob muffled in Takashi's chest.

Takashi holds him through it all, grip never loosening as he whispers words of comfort to the best friend he's ever had.

Takashi is by Keith's side at the funeral, letting Keith grip his hand as tight as he needs as his father is laid to rest.

Takashi doesn’t go back to school to finish the term. Can’t even think about leaving when he’s trying to help Keith navigate the aftermath of his father’s death. He’s only fifteen and trying to grieve and also run an estate he was still learning about. It’s not like he’s much older himself, Takashi thinks as he heads home after a long day with Keith, but he has the experience of his family to lean on. Keith could ask them questions as well, they’ve long considered his best friend part of the fold, but he won’t. Sometimes Keith is too aware of their difference in station and while he’s never let it affect his friendship with Takashi, at times like this it makes Takashi’s heart hurt.

By the time Takashi has to leave for school for the spring semester, he’s more worried than ever. Keith is quieter than he’s been since their first meeting. There is a sharpness to his face, a permanent worry line between his eyebrows, that Takashi hasn’t been able to smooth.

Keith promises to still write and wrings a promise from Takashi that he won’t worry too much.

Keith’s letters are longer than normal for the first couple of months after Takashi leaves. It’s easy to read between the lines and see the specter of loneliness that’s haunting Keith now that his only family is gone.

Guilt tugs at Takashi. He should be there, should be supporting the friend that’s stood by him his whole life. Matt’s a sympathetic ear when he needs one. He and Adam start fighting. Adam’s still a bit miffed that Takashi had someone tell Matt he was leaving without notice and not Adam.

A few weeks after Takashi’s seventeenth birthday, he receives a short letter from Keith.

_ Takashi, _

_ Write to me at your family’s address. I will be staying there for now and don’t want to miss out on hearing from you because I’m not at home. _

_ Hope you’re doing well still. _

_ Keith _

Takashi reads it three times in succession, trying to find answers in the sparse words. Why has Keith suddenly accepted the Shirogane family’s open invitation to stay with them after declining for months? What has happened that Keith has left out of his letters?

Takashi writes a letter to Keith, fishing for some of the answers he wants. He also writes a letter to his mother, asking questions more directly. Hopefully one of them will give him answers.

His mother answers first.

_ My dearest Takashi, _

_ To put your mind at ease, please know first that Keith is safe and healthy. He is here with us, but I’m afraid the circumstances are not what we hoped for when we extended the invitation after his father’s passing. _

_ I don’t know if he’s told you about any of this, but I doubt it. He never likes to worry you no matter what the problems here at home are. These past few months Keith has been fighting to keep his father’s land and his childhood home. Since he is not yet of age to own the land outright, the courts have been searching for a guardian or trustee to vest the land in. We offered to fill that role since we are nearby and know Keith well, but were denied as the court wishes to find a blood relative.  _

_ Last week, the court ruled that since they were unable to find a blood relative as Keith has almost no knowledge of his mother’s family and his father rarely spoke of his own the land now reverts back to state ownership. _

_ Keith let the remaining staff go, paying them with what little was left in the estate accounts, packed the few belongings left that he and his father had not sold and came here. Takashi, I wish I could tell you that he was simply seeking hospitality and shelter from his best friend's family in hard times. I was sure he knew that we would always take him in regardless of the circumstances. Your Keith is stubborn, though, and proud. _

_ He appeared on our doorstep with his few bags, having walked the distance from his house, and petitioned for a position as a stable hand, claiming he’s helped out in our stables before and would be of use. Your father and I tried to convince him that he did not need to work to be welcomed into our home. Your grandfather did as well. But you know Keith has never been swayed by the order of a duke. He continued to insist. _

_ Your grandmother is the one who granted his request over our protests, telling us later that it was no use trying to force him to accept our charity and that doing so would only chase him away. At least this way he is here with us.  _

_ Please do not come rushing home, Takashi. Keith needs your support, yes, but I think pulling you away from your studies would only add to the burden on his shoulders. Write to him and don’t forget to write us as well. _

_ All my love, _

_ Mother _

Even with his mother’s order to not rush home, it takes everything in Takashi to not do just that. Keith should be a  _ guest _ not a stablehand. He’s the son of a gentleman and, in Takashi’s eyes, an equal. The Shirogane’s have never been a family to look down on the working classes, have done their best to support those in their care and treat them kindly and fairly, but this still feels wrong.

The weeks and months drag on as Takashi waits to be able to return home. He writes Keith religiously and hopes that his yearning to be home, to see him again and make sure for himself that he’s at least mostly okay, isn’t too evident.

Keith is in one of the paddocks caring for a heavily pregnant mare when Takashi gets home. A call of Keith’s name is rewarded with a bright smile and him taking off across the field to launch himself at Takashi.

Takashi laughs into his ear and spins him around, so happy to be home and see for himself that Keith is okay. He puts his friend down and lets himself be pulled over to the horse Keith was tending to.

“Bramble here is the one Orion knocked up last summer,” Keith says with a sidelong look at Takashi. “Foal should be here soon which means you’ll be here to name them.”

“I think I’ll have to stick to the constellation theme for Orion’s line,” Takashi muses.

Keith shoulder checks him. “You would.”

Takashi just grins and launches into one of the stories from school he’d been waiting to tell Keith in person.

It’s not until he heads towards the house and Keith slows his steps and says he has to go back to the stables that their new circumstances rears its head. Takashi is unsure what to do, what to say.

Keith’s smile is a small thing this time, a reassurance more than any expression of happiness. “It’s fine, Takashi. Go see your family, I’ve got work to do but I’ll see you this evening? If you want?”

Takashi definitely wants. “Meet me by the stream?”

“You got it,” Keith replies, smile a little easier before he slips away, jogging towards the stables.

A few days pass before Takashi has the chance to sit down with his grandmother, just the two of them. It’s odd, having Keith even closer than usual and yet unable to laze around with him like they usually do during the summer.

His grandmother pours them both tea while he’s lost in thought. He doesn’t miss her pouring a splash of gin in her own cup before secreting the flask away once more. Her sharp smile at his poorly hidden grin puts him in mind of his best friend’s mischievous looks when he thinks he’s getting away with something.

“It’s good to have you home, Takashi,” his grandmother starts. “Always too quiet without you around.”

“Still have a houseful of people without me,” he retorts, picking up his cup. “Can’t be that quiet.”

She arches an eyebrow, the movement elegant somehow. “Would I lie to you?”

“Yes.”

His grandmother laughs, unrestrained and loud. When she regathers herself she says, “And that is why I miss you most when you’re off at school. No one besides my husband is so frank with me.”

“I miss you, too, Grandmother.”

She reaches out and pats his hand. “And yet, I think there is someone you miss more than this old woman.”

Takashi feels his cheeks heat against his will. He mulls over how to phrase his question, takes a sip of tea to cover his pause.

“You’ll want to know why I accepted the Kogane boy’s petition to work here instead of insisting he be a guest,” she says, ever astute.

Takashi pities anyone who has ever looked at his grandmother and seen only her delicate features and small stature and missed the razor-sharp intelligence behind the facade of a socialite. 

He nods.

“Takashi, I’ve watched your Keith grow up alongside you all these years. I like to think that I know him as well as a makeshift grandmother can. He walked in here with nothing more than two bags of belongings and his pride.”

Takashi’s heart hurts at the image she’s conjuring. “But why not just shelter him?”

“I wasn’t about to take away his pride when it was one of the only things he had,” she says. “If we had forced him to be our guest, idle and useless, he would have been miserable. You know this as well as I do.”

He knows perfectly well that Keith is uncomfortable taking anything he doesn’t think he’s earned. The charity of his family is no exception, no matter how willingly it is given..

“He would’ve stayed long enough to see you return this summer and then he would have left,” she says, voice gentle. “No one else seemed to see it, so I granted his request. As long as he is  _ here _ , we can protect him and care for him as much as he allows.”

“It feels wrong,” Takashi whispers, not meeting her eyes. “I understand, but it feels wrong.”

His grandmother rests her hand on his again. “He is still the same Keith as ever. Just because he works in the stables now instead of on his father’s estate, nothing has changed who Keith is just because he is doing what he must to survive in this world.”

“Other people will treat him differently,” he says, worrying at his bottom lip after the words tumble out.

“They might, yes. That still doesn’t change who he is. I doubt he will care much so long as you treat him the same, Takashi. It’s not hard to see that you are the most important person in his life, now.”

“Grandmother…” Takashi says, at a loss for words. He can feel the back of his neck heating up and his grandmother’s knowing look leaves him feeling exposed. He squirms in his seat, unsure what she thinks she knows.

She sighs and shakes her head slightly. “Ah, the willful and oblivious ignorance of youth,” she says cryptically. “Why don’t you tell me about your semester, Takashi? I know there are stories that you did not write home about.”

Half of summer break passes in the blink of an eye. He spends as much time with Keith as he possibly can, which is how it always is. The stablemaster kicks Takashi out of the stables no less than five times, saying he was just in everyone’s way. Usually, the next day, Keith would mysteriously be released from duties for an entire afternoon.

Keith is more subdued than previous years, but Takashi can hardly blame him. He just works harder to pull smiles from his friend, leaning on old inside jokes and new quips alike.

Bramble gives birth in the middle of the night. Keith tells him all about it through yawns the next day since he’d been called upon to stay up all night to assist with the delivery of a healthy female foal.

Takashi promptly names her Andromeda and resolves her to spoil her to the best of his ability.

Adam is due to arrive for a visit two weeks before the end of break. Takashi is thrilled to see his boyfriend, to introduce him to his family and to Keith. Keith’s been rather quiet everytime Takashi brings up the visit, but Takashi still can’t wait for two of the most important people in his life to meet.

Adam arrives in the afternoon when Takashi is in a lesson disguised as a meeting with Iverson. A manservant comes running with the news and Takashi breaks into a grin, turning pleading eyes on Iverson.

He rolls his eyes and waves his hand. “I won’t keep you from greeting your guest. Just go,” he says gruffly. Takashi doesn’t waste any time rushing out the door, missing the worried expression on the older man’s face.

He heads straight for the stable, figuring that Adam will still be there if he just arrived. His boyfriend is striding out of the stable when Takashi spots him. Adam looks entirely put together even after travelling and Takashi is so glad to see him.

“Adam!” He runs up and lifts his boyfriend into a tight hug, drawing a grunt and a chuckle from him.

“Takashi, I see you’re even more shameless at home.”

Takashi grins. “No punishments for it here.”

Adam kisses him briefly. “It’s good to see you.”

“You as well.” He wraps his arms around Adam’s neck. “Did you already take care of your horse?”

Adam rolls his eyes. “Not everyone feels the need to oversee every aspect of their horse’s care, Takashi. That  _ is _ what stablehands are for. I handed him off to one of them and came to find you.”

Something about that doesn’t sit right with Takashi, but he tries to push it aside.

Adam must notice his tight expression and pats his chest. “Introduce me to your family?”

Takashi glances towards the stable, knowing Keith is in there. He wants Adam to meet him too, but this evening when Keith isn’t working.

“Of course,” he says. “Let me just have a quick word with someone and then I’ll take you inside to meet everyone.”

Takashi calls out for Keith as soon as he steps into the stable.

“Back here,” Keith says. He’s rubbing down a bay gelding that Takashi recognizes as Adam’s horse. 

“Are you free this evening?” He asks uncertainly. “I want to introduce you to Adam.”

Keith gestures at the horse. “Already met. Didn’t seem that interested in being introduced to me,” he mutters. He pets the horse gently as it shifts, sensing Keith’s tension.

The uncomfortable feeling from earlier returns and intensifies as Takashi realizes that Adam had met Keith and done nothing more than give him orders and leave, like he meant nothing.

“He’s just tired from his journey,” Takashi tries. “Please let me introduce the two of you properly? I’d like to.”

Keith sighs. “Of course, Takashi. I’ll be free after dinner, as usual.”

Takashi excuses himself and returns to Adam, the uneasy feeling not fading as they walk to the house, arm in arm.

To say their second meeting went well would be an overstatement. Adam and Keith were rigidly polite to one another, making small talk for Takashi’s sake and occasionally slipping in a pointed comment.

Keith calls the meeting to an end when he declares the need to get back to his quarters to sleep, as he has to be up with the sun.

Adam turns to Takashi as soon as Keith is out of sight. “Your friend is a  _ stablehand _ ?”

Takashi bristles. “There is nothing wrong with being a stablehand.”

“Of course not, they’re just not usually friends with dukes or presume to send letters to them.”

“I’m not the duke, nor should that preclude me from being friends with who I want to be,” Takashi snaps. “I hoped the two of you would get along, seeing as you’re both important to me.”

Adam sighs. “Let’s not sour my visit here. I will be friendly, don’t worry.”

Takashi wants to believe that, he really does, but he has a bad feeling about the whole thing now.

The tension remains high for the rest of the visit even though Adam gets along just fine with Takashi’s family. Takashi finds himself missing Keith who makes himself scarce for Adam’s week at the estate. It’s a familiar feeling for him, just not one he normally has while home.

The last week of his break, once he’s bid Adam farewell, he glues himself to Keith’s side. They don’t talk about Adam and Keith hugs him tighter than ever when Takashi has to leave for the new school year.

  
  


_ Dear Keith, _

_ I know by now you’ve probably already nursed that bird you wrote me about back to health. No creature would dare not recuperate under your care. _

_ I’m sorry that I am a little late in answering you. I’ve crumpled up several letters already because I filled half a page with whining that should really never see the light of day or be given voice. _

_ Adam and I have been fighting more and it’s wearing on me. He knows I’m considering joining the war effort after graduation and doesn’t approve. He says my Ability isn’t combat-related and that I should consider my duties as a ducal heir before putting myself in danger. The way I see it, my duties as a moral human trying to do the right thing and help people in need come before any duties as the heir. _

_ I’ve found myself wishing more than usual that you were here so I could talk to someone about this without being judged or brushed off. _

_ Also so I could talk shit about Adam when I’m mad at him to someone besides Matt. You can give me all the diplomatic non-answers you want but I’m perfectly aware that the two of you did not get along when he visited over the summer. I’m positive that you’d be great at letting me vent about this topic. _

_ Maybe the fact that I need to vent about my boyfriend this much means I should start considering that he shouldn’t… be my boyfriend. _

_ I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet, but in a way it feels inevitable. _

_ Okay, if I keep writing about this the whining will return and I’m already sad. Give an apple to Andromeda for me if you can. _

_ Your conflicted friend, _

_ Takashi _

_ Dear Takashi, _

_ Andromeda gets far too many apples as it is. She knows she’s cute and that if she noses anyone’s pockets, that they will give her a treat, even if it wasn’t supposed to be for her. She’s got all of Orion’s charm and I’m blaming that on you. _

_ I’m always here to listen if you need to talk about anything, Takashi. Even if I can’t be there in person. _

_ Regardless of any potential personal dislike of your boyfriend on my part, I just want to say that your partner should make you happy, Takashi, not conflicted and angry and sad. At least, they should make you happy  _ **_more_ ** _ than they make you those things. Just consider that. Anyone would be lucky to have the chance to make you smile and be loved by you and it’s Adam’s fault if he doesn’t realize his luck. Believe me, the boys (and girls, though the poor ladies don’t have a chance with you) would be lining up for a shot if you were unattached. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t make your heart sing. _

_ That said, no I do not like Adam much and don’t think he deserves you. Do with that information what you will. I’ll support you and your relationship choices regardless. _

_ Sorry for the short response. Your parents are hosting the Countess Ryner and her party this week so there is more to do than normal. _

_ Take care of yourself. _

_ Yours, _

_ Keith _

Takashi traces careful fingers over Keith’s signoff. It’s in a rushed hand, like he’d signed it carelessly and in a hurry, but it still sends Takashi’s heart tripping over itself.

_ Yours _ .

The single word echoes in his head, drowning out everything else.

_ Yours yours yours _

Always the two of them signed their letters with an affirmation of their friendship. Keith was probably just distracted and forgot to finish his thought. But after the heartfelt letter, it has Takashi reeling.

What if Keith means it in the way Takashi’s heart took it?

Takashi bites his lip. It doesn’t matter. He’s still with Adam and Keith is his best friend. Of course he wouldn’t think anything of signing his letter like that. He doesn’t know that Matt’s been teasing Takashi for years about him, or that Takashi finds him beautiful.

Takashi tucks the letter away as carefully as he does any hint of non-platonic feelings towards his best friend and goes to find Adam. They need to talk.

Keith’s sixteenth birthday is mostly uneventful. He recieves a letter from Takashi and some small gifts from the rest of the Shirogane family. Takashi’s grandmother insists that he eat dinner with the family and since he has never been able to tell the duchess no, he does.

His life on the Shirogane estate is an odd one. He works hard in the stables and mostly gets along with everyone there, but he’s not really seen as one of the other servants. They all know who he is, who he was. He’s not family and he’s not fully staff. One foot in one world, one foot in the other. It feels like Keith’s whole existence has been this way and there are days when he’s so tired of the balancing act, of being lonely.

Sometimes, on those days, he pulls out Takashi’s letters and rereads them. Sometimes he writes Takashi an extra long letter and prays that he’s not revealing too much.

Most of the time, he keeps himself busy enough to not dwell on all the dreams he’ll never be able to achieve. The war on the eastern border gets more violent every day. The Shirogane’s are a popular stop for nobles and officials heading to the capitol and he cares for the visitors’ mounts and listens to their whispers about the growing tensions when they forget that a mere stableboy has ears and a brain.

Two weeks before Takashi is due home for winter break, he gets a letter from Takashi with the news of his breakup with Adam. The handwriting is a little shaky but there are no tear stains on the page. Keith breathes through the rush of relief and ignores the little spark of happiness at Takashi being single once more. He’s long since grown used to being in love with his unattainable best friend. Right now, Takashi needs his support as a best friend as he navigates the end of his first relationship, not the feelings Keith has been hiding for ages.

Takashi comes home and Keith wraps him in a tight hug the moment he dismounts outside the stable. They stay like that until the cold starts to make Keith shake.

That winter, Takashi steals Keith away from the stables as much as he dares, as much as Keith lets him. They talk about the war, about the choices facing Takashi when he graduates at the end of his next semester. There’s a gravity to Takashi that wasn’t there before, and Keith wonders if it came from his first real heartbreak.

Takashi talks about his friends continuing on to university studies to pursue academic interests or a more detailed training of their Ability. He’s played with the idea of continuing his studies, he says, he has the grades for it. He throws Keith an inscrutable look before admitting that he’d rather return home and train on the estate than go away to school for more years.

He still talks of joining the war effort in some capacity. He wants to help the people who have been dragged into the fight unwillingly, whose livelihoods have been threatened or destroyed by the fighting. His Ability is an uncategorized one, but it enhances his resilience, his endurance. Takashi talks in whispers about how it feels like there’s something more to his Ability that he hasn’t been able to unlock yet.

Keith can empathize. His Ability remains stubbornly locked. He can feel it, can utilize the enhanced magical sense that anyone with an Ability can access, but the purpose of his Ability has yet to reveal itself.

The holidays end and Takashi returns to school for the final time. He turns eighteen and grins like the world is his for the taking at a party with his friends and tries to ignore the Keith-shaped void in his heart.

Just before graduation, the war ramps up yet again and becomes the only thing people can talk about. There are rumors of a draft, that there aren’t enough soldiers to hold the border.

Takashi graduates with honors and returns home to his family and to Keith.

He spends three glorious weeks with them before his orders arrive by courier. Even though he is an heir to the Shirogane ducal title, his father and mother are in line before him and therefore he is eligible for the draft and is expected to report in a month for training.

The estate is in an uproar as the news spreads. Takashi escapes his family and makes a beeline to his and Keith’s spot by the stream, hoping for some quiet.

Keith is already there waiting for him and Takashi’s whole body relaxes at the sight, even as he has to blink back tears. Of course Keith is here. He always knows what Takashi needs, even if Takashi doesn’t know it himself.

He doesn’t say anything, just lets Takashi lay on the grass next to him while the stream burbles happily next to them. Keith is tentative when he reaches out to hold Takashi’s hand, but Takashi clings to him, the contact grounding.

“I wanted to join the war effort,” he says finally, voice barely louder than the water, “but not like this.”

Keith squeezes his hand. “There’s time to run,” he offers. “You know your family wouldn’t hold it against you.”

“Would you?” Takashi twists to look Keith in the eye.

“In what world do you think I wouldn’t be running with you, Takashi?”

It’s just the thing to draw a smile out of him and Takashi couldn’t be more grateful. It feels like the world starts spinning a little once more.

“I can’t run,” he says, “even if it does sound tempting.”

“I know.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Takashi fidgets, trying to get comfortable. Keith eventually pats his lap, offering up his thighs as a pillow. It’s a testament to the day he’s having that Takashi barely even blushes as he accepts the invitation.

Keith gently sinks his fingers into Takashi’s hair, removing the leather band holding it up so that it spills across his lap.

“You’ve let it get so long,” Keith says, fingercombing the black strands.

“Mmm, yeah. That feels nice,” Takashi mumbles.

“It looks good. The long hair.”

“Glad you think so,” Takashi says. “They’re going to make me cut it now.”

Keith’s fingers tighten in his hair and then rub against his scalp in apology. “Cut it before you leave so you still have control over it.”

“I don’t want to leave again,” Takashi admits after another minute of silence, another minute of memorizing the way Keith’s hands feel in his hair.

“I wish you didn’t have to.” Keith tugs lightly at his hair. “Don’t think you’re getting out of writing me now that you’re not in school anymore. I still expect letters whenever you can.”

Takashi really wishes that Keith’s tug hadn’t sent sparks down his spine.

“You have to keep writing me, too,” he says.

Keith smiles down at him. “I promise. Every week, just like always.”

Takashi smiles back and for a moment pretends that everything is fine.

Dread curls in Keith’s stomach as he watches him depart a month later. He’d almost begged Takashi to let him come with him in a moment of weakness. He’d stopped himself, but not before Takashi was able to read the wish on his face.

“This is the one time I’m glad you can’t come with me,” Takashi had said, tucking a piece of Keith’s unruly hair back behind his ear.

“Who’s going to watch your back out there?” Keith whispered. “I could just lie about my age and come with you.”

Takashi shook his head. “Hopefully the war will be done by the time you turn eighteen and they try to draft you. One of us should get to be free of this.”

And now Takashi is gone again, off to fight in a war that he didn’t ask for. Keith hopes that the promise he gave Takashi, the one he gives Takashi everytime he leaves, that he’ll be here when he gets back, is carried next to his heart, that Takashi doesn’t forget that he’s here waiting for him.

Keith turns away once Takashi is out of sight and pretends not to see the understanding in everyone’s eyes when they look at him. It’s obvious to everyone but Takashi by now that Keith is in love with the Shirogane heir. For once, he doesn’t protest the family guiding him inside for tea instead of escaping to the stables.

Takashi will be fine. He has to be.

Takashi has to last two weeks in training before mail is delivered. He has a letter from his parents, one from his grandmother, and three from Keith, who says he gets an extra because Keith misses him an extra amount.

Takashi carefully folds the letters and tucks them into his pack. His folders of letters and drawings from Keith through the years are safe at home, so he has to start a new collection.

To his surprise, Takashi finds that his school friend Matt Holt is at the same training facility. He’s working in a whole different branch, one that he signed up for instead of being drafted into, but having the familiar face is nice.

Matt asks after Keith in the same teasing way he always has, letting up when Takashi unconsciously flattens his hand over his heart, pressing against the latest letter from Keith that is tucked into his jacket.

Another surprise is that Takashi is  _ good _ at all of this, at being a soldier. Here he isn’t Takashi, but Shirogane,  _ Shiro _ , mostly. It took him a good three weeks to stop looking over his shoulder for his grandfather or father whenever someone called him Shirogane, so everyone started to shorten it. Plus it was faster to say, easier on everyone.

It feels like remaking himself. He finds himself drawing on his Ability for extra endurance, extra strength, and it comes easier every time.

Shiro is their golden boy in training and is promoted a rank before he’s even deployed to the front.

Takashi still shakes in his boots at the thought of going to  _ war _ and rereads Keith’s letters at night to ward off his anxiety.

His regiment is scheduled to leave for the warfront a month and a half before Keith’s seventeenth birthday. The terrain is not kind to horses so everyone who brought a mount is instructed to have someone come collect it.

Takashi uses the three days of leave that they’re given and rides Orion home, a borrowed horse from the army tethered to him so he can get back.

He hugs his family and eats all his favorite foods and everybody gives up on trying not to cry. Keith watches him like he’s going to disappear at at any second, and Takashi can’t blame him. He’s been gone from Keith’s sight more than he’s been in it, it feels like.

It’s amazing that Keith is still holding on to their friendship and Takashi can’t be more grateful.

He gives Keith a new sketchbook, his birthday tradition now, month early. There’s a letter hidden inside for Keith to find later. It’s full of his anxieties about going to war, of his dreams of peace and the future. It’s the first letter he’s had the courage to sign as “yours.”

Keith should know, after all. It’s only fair.

Takashi hopes it doesn’t change anything. 

On the march east, he writes Keith as often as possible and mails them whenever they pass through a town. He knows he won’t get any letters from Keith until they reach their camp and he has an address again.

He signs every single one  _ yours _ and hopes and hopes and hopes.

When he arrives at his posting, there is a stack of letters waiting for him, each one signed the same way.

He’s Keith’s, just like he hopes Keith is his. Somehow.

It’s the only bright spot in a camp where smoke darkens the air and shouting rings through the night. Shiro might be a soldier, might be a good soldier, but war is dark and it’s messy and it’s horrifying.

The first time he is sent into the fray, he comes back with a bloody sword and bloody hands and two less friends.

There’s a letter from Keith waiting in his tent but he can’t bring himself to open it for days, fearing that he’ll stain it even long after he’s washed the red from himself.

War is dark and messy and horrifying, but it’s also monotonous. Shiro spends long hours rereading Keith letters and the letters from his family. It’s the only thing that makes him feel like  _ Takashi  _ still exists somewhere inside of him.

He writes to Keith because he promised and because it makes him find good things to write about in the darkness.

_ Keith, _

_ I can’t say much about where I am in case this letter falls into unintended hands, but it’s unseasonably cold and the ground is more mud than grass now. The trees are already mostly bare due to an early frost and I miss the colors that must be adorning the trees back home.  _ _ The colors always remind me of you. _ _ Please enjoy them for me this year. Hopefully I’ll be back in time to see the leaves change next year. _

_ Sanda and Montgomery have been at odds all week and I fear that the discord amongst our leaders is affecting everyone’s morale. I’m doing what I can to keep everyone’s spirits up, but sometimes it’s all I can do to tend to my own mood. _

_ I miss home. No one wants to say that here. We’re supposed to keep a brave face, like this is a grand adventure instead of grim war. But I miss home so much. I miss Grandfather’s lectures and watching Grandmother pour gin in her tea behind his back. I miss my mom’s hugs and my father making lists of books he thinks I’ll like and slipping them under my door in the middle of the night. I miss real food, especially Cook’s pies. I miss Orion and riding out in the forests. I miss my bed. A bed, really. Any would do. _

_ I miss you, Keith. So much. I cannot bring myself to wish you were here though. I’m glad you are safe at home, no matter how much you hate not being able to follow me here. Please stay safe for me. You promised you’d be there when I get back and I will hold you to that promise. _

_ Talk Cook out of an meat pasty in my honor and give Orion and Andromeda both an extra apple from me if you can. _

_ Yours, _

_ Takashi _

_ Takashi, _

_ Your horses are the most spoiled, I will have you know. I gave Orion and Andromeda two extra apples and told them they were from you. Orion perked up at your name. I’ve taken him out for rides recently since he gets antsy otherwise and doesn’t let many people ride him. Andromeda is finally warming up to me after all the bribes I’ve given her. Ungrateful horse doesn’t have any respect for the person who helped her into the world. _

_ Autumn is in fact in full color right now. I’d send you a drawing but there’s no way I could do it justice with the colors I have at my disposal. I barely have the time, anyways. There have been more and more people heading towards the capitol and visiting on the way there. _

_ I don’t know if your mother has told you or if she’s trying to keep you from worrying, but your grandfather has been somewhat ill. It doesn’t seem to be serious at the moment, possibly just exhaustion, but they have sent for healers anyways. _

_ If I could send you a real bed and one of Cook’s pasties I would do it in a heartbeat, Takashi. Never doubt that. If I could take even a pound of worry from your shoulders, I’d do that as well. I worry for you and everything that you don’t tell me in your letters. _

_ It’s okay. I understand why you write me of your friends and their antics and not the everyday drudgery and awfulness, but I worry. _

_ Everyone here sends their love as always. I miss you so much, too, Takashi. More than I could ever say. I promised I’d be here when you get back, but that means you have to hold up your end of the deal and come back safe. Please take care of yourself as much as you can. _

_ Yours, _

_ Keith _

Shiro is given a battlefield promotion and then another. He loses enough friends that he starts to withdraw from his regiment. He’s second in command for their group, now, so it’s not like most of the men try to befriend him anyways. Maybe, if he hasn’t shared drinks and dreams with his comrades, it won’t hurt as much when he sees them motionless in the mud one day.

It doesn’t work.

He earns a reputation on the battlefield as a ruthless fighter, as the one who can and will keep fighting for as long as necessary and carry his men home if he needs to. For those who fight in his regiment, they know him to be kind and fair and always willing to listen to a homesick soldier who has no one else to talk to.

They’re starting to talk about him like he’s a legend instead of human and Shiro wonders if they just don’t see the shadows on his face and the tremble in his hands. He has nightmares the same as everyone else in this godforsaken camp and dreams that died the moment his sword pierced someone’s chest for the first time.

He freezes just once, when he sees a slight, dark-haired man go down out of the corner of his eye. It looks too much like the nightmare he had the previous night; the one in which Keith fought by his side and died for it. Takashi freezes and pays the price when the edge of a blade, swung by someone only standing due to desperation and adrenaline, slashes across his face.

Shiro finishes the skirmish with blood dripping down his face and a snarl, reminding himself that Keith’s not here, that he’s keeping Keith safe by fighting.

That night the nightmares are worse than ever. He wakes before dawn and lights a candle so he can read his precious stash of letters from Keith.

Takashi’s grandfather is getting worse. Keith knows this from the amount of physicians and healers go in and out of the house as well as the couple of times the duke has invited Keith to sit with him for an afternoon. He’s a poor substitute for Takashi, but better than nothing it seems.

His letters from Takashi are coming further and further apart now and each more somber than the last. Takashi tries to keep things light for Keith, he knows, but the letters smell like smoke and Takashi’s tone is grim.

Keith knows he’s risen up the ranks to Captain, now. Takashi’s told him that much. The whispers of what he’s like on the battlefield are courtesy of gossiping groomsman who hang out in the stables while their masters are dining with the Shiroganes. He’s as invisible to them as he is to the nobles and Keith uses their inattention to squirrel away tidbits about the war and about his friend that the war has swallowed whole.

It’s been almost a year since Takashi left. The celebration of Takashi’s nineteenth birthday was a quiet affair since they had no way of guaranteeing that their letters wishing him well would even reach him on time, much less if a present or care package would make it through.

Keith is a week away from turning eighteen when a letter arrives for him — the first he’s gotten from Takashi in over a month.

_ Keith, _

_ I know I haven’t been writing like I promised, but I couldn’t let your birthday go by with you thinking that I forgot about it. About you. _

_ I’m not sure my promises have any weight at this point, but I promise that I have never and will never forget you. I swear sometimes you’re the only thing outside of this war that I can remember clearly. Even then, I have to remember I’ve been gone for so long that you’ve changed. Hopefully not too much, since I rather like the Keith I know. _

_ I hope things at home remain peaceful for your birthday and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’m sorry I’m not there to give you my usual present. Hopefully next year I can give you double and make up for it. Hopefully I’ll be home by then. _

_ I miss you more than I can say and I’m sorry for being out of touch. I read your letters often. They’re the best and brightest parts of my days. It’s just hard to write back when I feel like I have nothing to write to draw a smile from you. How can I let your letters be my sunshine and my letters be nothing but smoke and ash? _

_ I’m sorry, Keith. _

_ I truly hope your birthday is full of joy and happiness. I’ll be thinking of you. Stay safe. _

_ Yours, _

_ Takashi _

Takashi spends Keith’s eighteenth birthday alone in his tent with half a bottle of wine, his stack of Keith’s letters, and a letter he penned two weeks ago but didn’t have the courage to send.  _ Love _ , it says over and over again. The one he mailed to Keith only hints at it, but Takashi had to write out the truest version for himself.

_ I miss you. I love you. Yours forever _ .

He takes the last sip of wine and is thinking about calling it an early night when Veronica sticks her head into his tent.

He scowls at her halfheartedly. “Have you heard of knocking?”

“It’s a tent,” she returns with raised eyebrows. “Besides everyone knows you’re just in here sulking today. It’s not like you have company ever, despite several people’s best efforts.”

Takashi rolls his eyes. “Why are you here?”

“Letter from your boyfriend. Figured you would want it immediately since you’re sulking today.”

“Keith?” Takashi asks, a thread of excitement worming its way through his wine-hazed mind.

“Do you have more than one boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Takashi insists, holding his hand out for the letter.

“He writes you every week and has for the entire time you’ve been here,” Veronica says flatly. “There are people here with spouses who aren’t as diligent.”

“That’s just how Keith is,” Takashi argues. “He’s been writing to me every week for years while I was at school. We grew up together.”

“Great, so the two of you have been disgustingly in love for even longer than I knew.”

“He’s my friend,” Takashi says. “My best friend. Not my boyfriend.”

Veronica gives him a look that’s equal parts pity and exasperation. “Maybe you should get your head out of your ass and fix that,  _ sir _ .”

Takashi just shakes his head and Veronica finally hands over the letter and leaves with a huff, muttering under her breath.

He carefully breaks the seal on the letter and reads.

_ Takashi, _

_ A letter from you is the best birthday present I could ask for, really. Thank you. I hope that you spent my birthday safe and happy as well, since that is always my birthday wish. _

_ I’m writing early, I just read your letter, so I don’t have much to say but I had to let you know I read your words. I miss you more than you could ever know and wish for your safety and happiness every day, not just the important ones. _

_ Please remember that I love hearing from you no matter what you have to say. Remember that I’ll never forget you either, Takashi. I think about you every day. _

_ You never have to apologize to me, okay? Not about something like this. _

_ I’ll write again soon. Stay safe out there for me. _

_ Yours, _

_ Keith _

A week after Keith’s birthday, Takashi’s grandfather dies and the estate goes into mourning. Keith writes Takashi to tell him the news, even though he’s sure his parents have written him as well.

He receives back a letter that barely deserves the name. It’s a note, really, just a few lines. Keith can read the grief in them anyways.

Takashi’s grandmother abdicates as the current duchess, letting the power of the Shirogane title fall to Takashi’s parents. She’s more than capable of holding the title herself, but has never wanted it.

Keith writes and writes and writes, sending Takashi long letters full of nothing and infused with his love and worry. He pretends that he’s not grieving alongside the family. He’s never let them claim him as family and now he feels like he’s not worthy of sharing in their grief, even if the duke was the closest thing Keith’s ever had to a grandfather of his own.

He wonders if, because Takashi is now a direct heir to the ducal title, if they will pull him off the front lines.

No word of that ever comes. As winter settles in, the news from the front is that the battles are only getting fiercer. Keith expects a draft letter every day but it never comes.

Letters from Takashi don’t come either and his heart aches with the absence.

He knows Takashi is alive from the rumors he hears about Captain Shirogane spread by everyone passing through.

It’s after hearing about the scar that slashes across Takashi’s nose now, the one Takashi never told him about, that Keith decides to spill everything. He hasn’t gotten a letter in two months and it feels like he’s already lost his best friend. It feels like he has nothing to lose.

So he writes the letter that’s been in his heart this whole time and sends it and hopes it doesn’t break everything.

_ Takashi, _

_ It’s been months since I heard from you. I know you’re busy and that things are hard, but I can’t help but feel as though I’ve lost you. I know you’re alive because I hear stories about you from people passing through and it hurts that I know more about your life from the lips of strangers than I do from you. _

_ I don’t blame you for not writing. I never blame you. I just miss you with my whole heart and soul. _

_ But if you’re going to stop writing, I should at least give you a reason, perhaps. I’d planned to keep what I’m about to say to myself as I have for years, but I need you to know. You need to know. _

_ Takashi, you are loved. I mean, you know that. You have your family and your friends and they all love you dearly. But more than that, I love you. _

_ I love you, Takashi. In every possible way. _

_ You are everything to me and I would lay down my life in an instant if it meant keeping you safe, if it meant making you happy. _

_ I think I’ve loved you since you invited a little lost boy to spend the afternoon with you, befriended him, and then made sure he got home safe, it just took a while to find the right words. _

_ I love you. I’m in love with you. _

_ Please, Takashi. Stay safe and come home to me. Even if all you feel is friendship, that is enough for me. I’ve never expected anything from you in this. I will never speak of this again if that is what you prefer. I only want your happiness. _

_ I hope that this letter, even with its unexpected contents, is a bright spot in your day like you’ve said before. I hope that my love, however it is received, keeps you warm and protects you. _

_ Always yours. _

_ Love, _

_ Keith _

Keith doesn’t receive a response.

His next letter, full of nothing but idle chatter, is returned undeliverable.

The news that Captain Takashi Shirogane has been captured and is presumed dead comes the same day as his returned letter.

Keith’s grief consumes him whole.

SIX YEARS LATER

Keith watches from the edges of the ballroom as the nobility, decked out in their finery mingle at the first ball of the season. Years of fading into the background serves him well in these situations, but he rests his hand on his blade and uses a bit of power to make people’s eyes slide over him even easier. It’s not really  _ done _ to show up to a social event armed, but his blade is covered in half a dozen concealment charms to not be noticed unless he draws it.

He’s not here for work, there’s no reason to hide except his own comfort. Normally he avoids these events unless he’s ordered to attend to gather information, but tonight he’s off the clock and here as an honored guest of Lady Allura. Which essentially means she’d threatened him until he agreed to attend.

Keith sips on his glass of watered down punch and scans the room with a practiced eye. The war’s been over for four years now, but the work done behind the scenes to maintain peace is never finished.

He watches one of the McClain boys, Lord Lance gesticulate wildly as he tells a story to a group of wide-eyed debutantes. He’d acquitted himself well in the last year of the war, but Keith tried to spend as little time as possible with the loud future Baron.

The Holt siblings are off in a corner, heads together as they probably plot some sort of mischief to liven up the party later. He’ll have to keep an eye on that to see if he needs to stop it or if he wants to join in. 

He spots a few other familiar faces from work, unsurprised that Hunk, the Marquess Garrett, sees him right off and waves from across the room. The man has always had the talent to see right through basic concealments and glamours.

Keith is close enough to hear the announcement of new arrivals as the steward calls them out. He lets the names, familiar and not, wash over him, tucking them away in case he needs to know later.

He’s starting to consider dropping his concealment to go get another glass of punch when the steward taps his staff louder. His eyes swing towards the door along with everyone else’s as the roar of the room drops to a buzz.

“Captain Takashi Shirogane,” the man announces to the waiting crowd.

Keith’s mouth falls open as he lays eyes on his best friend for the first time in almost a decade. Over seven years, at least. He drinks the sight in greedily.

Takashi is dressed in a black suit cut to perfection, his silver cravat tied in an elegant knot. When he shifts, Keith catches the gleam of a jewelled pin holding the fabric in place. His hair is white now, long once more and pulled up into a neat bun. The slash across his nose is a faded pink. His shoulders are broader than Keith remembers, his build more powerful than the teenager from Keith’s most treasured memories.

He knew that Takashi was alive. He’d helped in the mission that secured his freedom five years ago, but he hadn’t  _ seen _ him. Takashi had reappeared in public just last year, in the middle of the season. Keith had been on a mission in the far north parts of the country and only heard about it because Allura wrote to him. He drags his eyes away from Takashi’s face to assess his hands. He’s wearing white gloves, proper to the last, covering the metal prosthetic Keith knows his right arm has been replaced with.

Takashi starts down the stairs as the room comes alive once more, everyone buzzing about the mysterious heir’s unexpected presence. Allura meets him at the foot of the staircase, resplendent in a shimmering light blue gown accented in pink. The war may be over, but she is not ready to fully let go of her mourning colors.

The crowd gives the pair space as they greet each other. Keith can read Allura’s protective stance, knows she’s there to save Takashi from the wolves disguised as nobles in the ballroom. He’s grateful for that until her sharp eyes find him across the sea of people and she smirks.

Keith is all of a sudden aware that he’s been set up. Allura made sure he would be here tonight, and likely also ensured Takashi’s presence and didn’t  _ warn him _ . He wants to say that he still would have showed up if he knew Takashi was going to be here, but he’s not sure it’s true.

It’s been so long. Maybe too long. Neither of them are the boys they were or even the young men they were, trading letters and secrets. Keith doesn’t know if this is a gap that can be spanned, and he’s afraid to find out once and for all that it can’t, that he’s truly lost Takashi.

Keith slips into the crowd, rendering himself invisible to Allura, before she can try to point him out.

“Can’t believe you made me come to this,” Takashi grits out through a smile that no one but his closest friends would mark as false. It’s no wonder his parents rarely choose to venture into town for the season.

Allura pats his arm, her own smile anything but apologetic. “You simply cannot hide away at your estate for the rest of your life,” she says. “You are depriving the masses of your company.”

“Not my problem.”

“You are getting your social obligations done here at the beginning of the Season,” Allura reminds him. “Now you need only to show up to one or two small parties and no one will say a bad word about you. You’ll simply remain the mysterious and elusive Captain Shirogane, ducal heir and one of the top eligible bachelors.”

Takashi can’t help but make a face at that. Being at these balls feels like being at a meat market where he’s for sale. Meddling mothers push their eligible sons and daughters his way, angling for introductions and dances while he tries not to map all the exit points from the ballroom in his head.

He might have enjoyed these parties in days past, before he was broken down by war, by captivity, by a million things he left unsaid. He thinks about the merry havoc he would’ve wreaked in his younger years and the amusement that would have danced in a pair of violet eyes.

Takashi cuts off that train of thought violently. Keith isn’t here. He hasn’t been at his side for years, and even back when he was, he wouldn’t have been accepted as a guest. High society plays at being welcoming, but the family one is born into still means more than anything else.

Pushing away thoughts of his childhood best friend and the well-worn letter that is always in the inner pocket of his jacket with the ease of practice, Shiro puts on his best society smile and lets Allura lead him into the fray.

By the time the dancing begins, Shiro’s dance card is mostly full. Most of his partners are vetted by Allura, who only leaves his side when she’s sure he’s in the company of other people he knows. Shiro feels like an imposition, demanding so much of the hostess’s attention at such an important event. He’s grateful for her support, though.

In one of the breaks between sets, Takashi finds himself in a corner with Matt Holt and his younger sister, Katie. It’s possibly the most fun he’s had all night, listening to them banter and make scathing comments about the other guests, but all too soon Takashi is pulled away by his next dance partner, Matt’s not far behind.

By his fourth set, Shiro is feeling a little dizzy, a little overheated. He also swears he keeps catching a glimpse of a familiar, beloved face despite it being absolutely impossible. He lets his latest dance partner, a tall man who actually took the lead in the dance and was perfectly pleasant to him, if not very interesting, lead him over to the drinks table and pour him a glass of punch. The man offers to walk him out to the gardens, but Shiro declines as politely as possible.

Once he’s detached himself, Shiro slips out to the gardens on his own. The night is still warm, autumn’s chill yet to arrive as anything more than a tease. He takes a few minutes to himself, to breathe and regather himself before checking his dance card and heading back in. There’s only a couple more sets before the dinner set, and he only has one of those sets promised to anyone.

He can do this.

Keith watches Takashi mingle and make small talk with all the important members of society, Allura by his side. It’s her continued presence that tips Keith off to how uncomfortable Takashi must be. It’s barely visible in the occasional strain of his smile and the tension held in his shoulders.

The Holts almost blow his cover when Takashi is talking to them. Only a quick surge of power into his concealment spell lets Pidge’s eyes skim over him at the last second. She scowls like she knows he’s done something to avoid being called over, but there’s nothing she can do about it right then.

He dances a few sets, unable to avoid the social niceties completely, and does his absolute best to stay out of Allura’s sight while still watching Takashi. It’s a balancing act, one he’s going to lose at some point.

There’s a short break before the dinner set as everyone scrambles to secure a partner to go into dinner with. Keith lets his guard down for just a moment too long as Takashi’s laugh, polite and nothing like the unrestrained sound of joy he remembers, washes over him. He’s surrounded by gorgeous men and women vying for his attention, for the honor of dancing the dinner set with him. Keith can’t help but snicker when one woman leans in close, obviously offering the chance for someone as tall as Takashi to peek down her neckline, unaware that Takashi is fundamentally uninterested in such an offer.

The smirk is still on his face when a flash of blue and pink catches his attention. Allura is moving through the crowd towards Takashi, but her eyes are on Keith. Her expression is all triumph and Keith feels dread rise, sticky and dark, as she lays a hand on Takashi’s arm, gaze still pinning Keith in place.

He’s not  _ ready _ . He’s not sure he’ll ever be ready.

Allura makes a gesture behind Takashi’s back, demanding that Keith approach them.

He considers running for half a second before he complies with her order. His heart is pounding as he checks the neatness of his braid and his cuffs. He walks towards Takashi and tries not to feel as if he’s walking towards his execution.

Takashi is incredibly grateful when Allura materializes next to him. The  _ enthusiastic _ crowd around him takes a step back at the sight of their hostess.

“Did you find a partner for your dinner set, Shiro?” she asks gently, eyes locked on something beyond Shiro’s shoulder.

He spares a glance towards the still circling socialites. “I have not, yet.”

Allura turns an enigmatic smile on him. “Good. There’s someone I would like to introduce to you.”

“Oh?”

She turns him with a firm grip on his arm. He gets an impression of a slim waist encased in a well-trimmed suit and strong shoulders before he reaches the man’s face and freezes under the gaze of familiar violet eyes.

Allura’s voice barely breaks through the shock. “Captain Shirogane, may I present my friend, the Earl of Marmora.”

“Hey Takashi.”

Something inside him unfreezes at the sound of his name — no one calls him Takashi but his family now, it’s always Captain or Shiro — in that impossibly familiar rasp, lower than what he remembers.

He takes an involuntary step forward. “Keith.”

“It’s good to see you,” Keith says. There’s something vulnerable and unsure in his expression, in his tone. It’s like he’s unsure, somehow, if he’s allowed to say that, if Takashi wants to hear it or even see him.

He executes a perfect bow and it throws Takashi off balance even further. He can count on one hand the number of times that Keith has bowed to him, and usually it was a hastily sketched and half-sarcastic thing.

“It’s good to see you, too,” Takashi finally manages to say. “And I think I should be the one bowing here, my lord.” Keith is an  _ earl _ , now. Takashi has no clue how that happened.

Keith laughs and it’s like the whole room lights up. “Takashi, no. Please that would be weirder than anything else so far tonight.”

His eyes sparkle and there’s a half-smirk on his face and Takashi is still so, so in love with this man.

“Is your dinner set spoken for?” Takashi blurts out. He ignores the tiny giggle from Allura who is probably enjoying seeing him this off-balance after hearing him talk about Keith so many times.

Keith shakes his head. “It is not.”

“Would you do me the honor? Dance with me?”

Keith’s breath catches. “Of course.”

No sooner has Keith agreed than the opening notes of music filter through the room. Takashi offers his hand to Keith. His heart tumbles over itself at the warm, familiar weight of Keith’s hand in his as they move to the dance floor.

His hand feels warm for the first time in nearly a decade.

“Your hair is long again,” Keith says as they move into position. “It looks good.”

“Yours does too,” Takashi returns, biting back a bitter comment about the new color of his hair. It used to be as dark as Keith’s but now… well, nothing for it. “The braid suits you.”

Keith averts his eyes, but his cheeks tint pink. The music swells and Keith follows his lead easily as Takashi sweeps them into the rhythm of the dance.

Takashi learned the basic dance forms as a child, had them drilled into him by an unrelenting dance master before he even met Keith and then again at school. When he was pushed back into society, he spent a few months brushing up and learning the new styles under Allura’s tutelage. He has no idea where Keith learned and it presses on him, the knowledge that there are so many things about Keith now that he doesn’t know.

“Spent agonizing months learning how to dance,” Keith says, breaking the silence and hitting on Takashi’s line of thought like it’s nothing. “Allura and Romelle assured me it wasn’t actually to torture me but I have my doubts.”

“You dance like a natural,” Takashi says. He wishes he could feel Keith’s waist under his hand, but it’s the metal hand that has the honor of sitting there and they’re still working on giving the prosthetic sensation.

“There’s no need for flattery, Takashi,” Keith says with a smile. “I’m already dancing with you.”

“By my thinking, I have several years worth of flattery to catch up on,” Takashi replies without thinking.

Keith misses a step. Takashi guides them through the stumble like it never happened.

“I think you’re the natural here,” Keith says when he’s regained the pattern.

“I missed you,” Takashi says, uncaring that any of the couples around them can hear them. They’re already whispering about the mysterious Earl of Marmora and Captain Shirogane dancing together, buzzing about the fact that the Earl is  _ smiling _ .

Keith’s face does something complicated and Takashi mourns the fact that he can’t read the split second emotions as easily anymore. “I missed you too, Takashi. So much.”

There’s a million things they’re not saying, that they can’t say in the middle of a crowded ballroom full of eavesdroppers.

_ You weren’t there when I came home like you promised you would be. Why haven’t you written since I’ve come home? Why haven’t you come back? Where have you been? I miss you I miss you I miss you. _

“So, Earl of Marmora, huh?” Takashi says after a minute of silence.

Keith looks up at him through his lashes, obviously completely unaware that such a look is devastating to Shiro’s heart. “That’s me.”

“And how did that happen?”

Takashi has only one working theory and he’s already bracing for it to be true, for his heart to break even as he’s finally holding his best friend, his lost love, in his arms. Keith’s hands are covered in gloves, as is proper for someone of his apparent station at such an event, but it means Shiro can’t check for a wedding band to confirm or refute said theory.

“It’s a long story,” Keith replies. “But the short version is that I found my mom.”

Takashi is the one who almost trips this time. “Your mom?” He repeats, almost reverent. The woman has been an almost mythical feature in Keith’s life, her absence looming large.

“Yeah. It was kind of an accident, but we’ve reconnected now. Her name is Krolia.”

His grip on Keith tightens at the obvious fondness. He knows Keith must have had years to come to terms with everything, but Takashi has to make sure. “And does she have a good reason for missing so much of your life?”

Keith raises an eyebrow and it’s eerily reminiscent of the expression Takashi’s grandmother uses on him frequently. “Bold question from someone who’s missed quite a bit as well.”

Takashi wants to drag Keith out into the gardens, drag him back to the Shirogane’s house here in the city, and have a real conversation where they don’t have to watch their words so closely, where they don’t have to bear the weight of their titles.

“I looked for you when I got home,” he admits, voice barely louder than a whisper, than the music. “I asked about you and no one knew where you went. When I was well enough to leave the estate, I looked for you.”

“Takashi…”

“I swear I did. I never stopped. I didn’t know that you were Marmora. My friends have mentioned you but I didn’t  _ know _ .”

Keith has an anguished look on his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were looking. I didn’t know if…” he swallows hard. “I didn’t know if you’d want to see me after everything, after all these years.”

“Of course I did, Keith.” They’ve drifted to the edge of the ballroom now, barely keeping up with the dance. “Always.”

“Takashi, I…” Keith reaches up and cups his cheek, eyes shining. Takashi leans into the touch, eyes fluttering shut. He can’t bring himself to care that everyone is probably watching them at this point.

“You?” Takashi prompts.

“Back then, when I wrote —” he cuts off with a curse, suddenly clutching at his wrist.

“Keith? Are you okay?”

Keith gives him a wide-eyed apologetic look. “I’m so sorry, Takashi. I have to go. That was an emergency flare from work.”

“Some sort of talisman?” Takashi asks, brow furrowed. He hasn’t heard of a talisman like that before and he’s always loved the puzzle of spellwork.

“Something like that,” Keith says. “I promise I’ll talk to you again soon. Like you said, we have a lot of catching up to do.”

“I’m holding you to that promise,” Takashi says.

“I’m counting on it. Please give Allura my apologies.” Keith squeezes Takashi’s hand, gives him one more smile, before he walks away, ducking out a side door and disappearing.

Takashi watches him go with a heavy heart and the first tendrils of hope in a long time starting to curl through his veins.

He finds Allura and makes Keith’s excuses. She looks worried and it occurs to him that Allura almost certainly knows what kind of work Keith does, what he’s been doing all these years. She probably works with him. She cuts him off before he can ask though, saying that Keith would share when he was ready.

He huffs at that, but forgives her entirely when her only response to him also ducking out of the party early is raised eyebrows and pursed lips. She’s definitely letting him off easy and will get her payback later, but right now he doesn’t care.

His head is full of Keith and he summons the memory image of him as soon as he’s home. The years have carved him into something even more gorgeous than the boy in Takashi’s memory. His face is all sharp angles that come from maturity rather than too little to eat. A scar cuts across his cheek, new to Shiro but obviously not new in age. He’s taller, his shoulders broader though his waist has stayed tiny. Shiro’s hand tingles with the urge to touch again. Keith’s hair is a temptation in itself as well; that long, thick braid begged to be unravelled by Takashi’s fingers. He wants to be surrounded by it.

He  _ wants _ , but there’s no telling when he’ll see Keith again. He’s heard tell about the Earl of Marmora over the years, about how he seems to appear in unlikely places, about how he is polite but doesn’t go out of his way to cultivate friendships with many. He’s heard that the Earl will appear at every party for a week and then not be seen for months at a time, that he makes conversation with few people and dances with even fewer.

Matt has mentioned him a few times, saying that he was a good friend of Katie’s and Hunk’s. Shiro might strangle him the next time he sees him for not telling him that the Earl was  _ Keith _ . It’s not like Matt didn’t know the name of Takashi’s friend and that he’d been looking for him.

Takashi sighs. He wonders if the feelings Keith wrote him about still hold true for him as well, this many years removed from when he put the words to paper. He pulls the last letter he received from Keith from his jacket pocket and traces reverent fingers over long-memorized words.

He’d cried when he realized that the letter, along with all the others Keith had sent him during his time at war, had been retrieved from his tent and given to his family after he’d disappeared. The proof that Keith loved him the same way Takashi loved Keith hadn’t been lost.

Takashi has half a lifetime’s worth of letters from Keith, all of them full of love once he learned how to look for it, once he let himself look for it.

For tonight, he rereads the gentle words Keith gifted him and trusts in Keith’s promise that they’ll talk soon. He at least knows how to look for him this time if he disappears.

Two days later, a letter is delivered to the Shirogane townhouse for Takashi. It glimmers when he opens it and he recognizes the protective spell on the paper, keeping anyone but the intended recipient from reading the contents. He presses his palm to the paper and watches black bleed onto the page, familiar handwriting covering the sheet.

_ Dear Takashi, _

_ I had to leave town for a little bit so I figured I’d send you a letter so you know I’m not going back on my promise. Bit like old times, right? Sorry about the enchantment, but I’m technically on assignment and wanted to tell you some stuff that I shouldn’t send in an unprotected letter. I trust that you recognized the spell from your time in the army. _

_ You might have put together already that I joined the war effort myself after your disappearance. I stayed until your memorial service and then I had to go. I had to. I couldn’t watch everyone grieve without falling apart myself. I couldn’t see the grave they were planning for you when I wanted to believe you were still alive. _

_ And you were. _

_ I hope they’ve destroyed the gravestone. _

_ I didn’t follow you into the main branch of the military, that would’ve been courting death and I wasn’t quite at that place yet. I’ve always had a knack for fading into the shadows, for listening to the people who forget that I’m there, so I joined the intelligence branch. _

_ It was in training that someone recognized my dagger. I had just joined the Blades division when one of the leaders saw it during training and asked where I got it from. I’ve had it my whole life. My dad told me that my mom left it for me to use when I was old enough. Apparently it’s a Marmora heirloom that can only be wielded in its true form by those in the bloodline. _

_ No one had seen it in years. _

_ Turns out my mom had been sent on an undercover mission not long after my first birthday. She’d already been undercover when she met my dad, which is why he never told me much about her. He didn’t know what it was safe to reveal, and she’d promised to come back. He didn’t know that she was the heiress to the Marmora earldom, either. I think if he had, he would have sought out the Marmora estate’s help when things got bad, at least for me. _

_ Anyways, she’d gone east and got stuck undercover at court there, embedded in a strategic position and unable to come home. _

_ She’s home now and I’ll tell you how that happened some other time, but because she spent so long abroad, she didn’t feel like she could hold the title without bringing suspicion upon herself, so she ceded it to me, which is how I ended up as an Earl without any warning. It’s surreal sometimes, but useful to my work fairly often. _

_ All of your grandmother’s etiquette lessons really paid off. Tell her thank you for me? _

_ I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch when you got home. I’ve kept up with your status through mutual friends and work, but I guess… I just didn’t know if you’d want to hear from me. I didn’t know you’d looked for me. I’m sorry I stayed away. If you want me in your life, in any way, I’ll never leave again. _

_ Yours, _

_ Keith _

Takashi reads it over and over again, absorbing the new words from Keith, the new information he offers. There are large gaps, so many things that he didn’t say, but there are six years of information to be shared and only so much space in a letter.

It’s hard to believe that Keith thought Takashi would want nothing to do with him. He tries to wrap his head around that assertion when compared with the last letter he received from Keith before being captured. Finally he realizes that for all the times he has written a response to that letter, to that confession of love, in his head, for all the times he’s imagined sending Keith letters full of his love and devotion, those have never been reality.

Keith didn’t know that Takashi loved him back. Loves him still. So he stayed away, probably afraid that his confession had broken their friendship beyond repair.

Takash aches to write to Keith immediately, to tell him immediately, but the barrier of so many years apart stops him. He still loves Keith, will always love Keith. Perhaps they should get to know each other again before Takashi rushes forward.

Plus, there’s no return address for Takashi to write back to. He wonders how long he will have to wait for Keith’s assignment to be over.

_ Yours _ , it still says.  _ Yours, yours, yours _ .

He’s in the library when his butler announces Veronica’s arrival. He puts down the book he was looking through and stands to go to the parlor to recieve her, but Veronica breezes past his butler and flops down in the chair opposite him.

“Hey Captain.”

Takashi rolls his eyes and motions that everything’s fine when his butler remains flabbergasted in the doorway.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit today, Veronica?”

“Oh, just heard some interesting rumors and thought I’d come see how true they are.”

“Oh?”

She leans forward, mischief in her eyes. “You never told me that your boyfriend back in the day was the Earl of Marmora.”

Shiro sighs. “One, he wasn’t my boyfriend then. Two, he also wasn’t an Earl back then.”

“So are you saying he’s your boyfriend now? Because I was at that party and saw the two of you dancing. Everyone who saw the two of you see each other for the first time will not shut up about it. And  _ then _ you both disappeared from the party around the same time.”

Shiro really wishes he was still her superior officer, not that that distinction ever made a lick of difference to her. “It’s not like that,” he protests.

“Not convinced. I saw your lovestruck pining up close during the war and your expression at the ball was the same. I’ve also never seen the Earl look that happy.”

“That was the first time I’d seen him in seven years,” he admits. No point in lying to Veronica. The intelligence division truly missed out on recruiting her.

“What the fuck.”

Or perhaps not. She would’ve had to learn some tact in the intelligence division.

“I guess that explains why the two of you couldn’t take your eyes off each other but seriously, Shiro, you can’t keep saying he’s not your boyfriend.”

“We’re not dating, Veronica. We never have.”

“Sounds like something you can and should fix.” She levels a glare at him. “You’re in love with him.”

Shiro nods.

“Everything points to him being in love with you. I mean, I poked around since I have contacts in the other divisions and the guy pretty much organized the whole rescue effort for you. At the very least, he was the driving force that made sure that it happened.”

Takashi drops the teacup full of long-cold tea that he’d just picked up, uncaring of the new stain sinking into the carpet. “He what?” Takashi asks hoarsely.

“He made sure that you made it back home. Pretty much the entire brass was just going to give you up for dead but Keith made a quick name for himself in the intelligence division and set up the mission that first proved you were alive and then the rescue operation.”

“He… he wasn’t on the team that pulled me out.”

“Probably told that he was too close to it, or you,” she says with a shrug. “You’ll have to ask him. He’s part of the Blades though, and they were the team sent to get you. They’ve been working directly with Lady Allura and the top officials since the war ended.”

Takashi is vaguely awed and terrified that Veronica gathered all this information so quickly. He thinks of all the gaps in Keith’s letter, all the things he didn’t say. It makes him itch to see him in person, to ask about all of it.

“But… he didn’t come see me when I got home.” He keeps coming back to this.

Veronica blinks at him. “The Earl of Marmora is one of the top intelligence officers in the service. Have you considered that he was probably on a mission elsewhere?”

“For six years?”

“Please just talk to him,” she says with a sharp look. “Half the nobles are already convinced that you two are secretly married already and that’s why neither of you have ever courted anyone.”

“And the other half?”

“Think that they saw the two of you fall in love at first sight at the ball.”

Takashi buries his face in his hands, mumbling a confession.

“What was that? Didn’t quite hear you.”

“I’ve never told him.”

“That you love him?”

Takashi nods.

Veronica leans over and smacks him in the side of the head. “You deserved that,” she says when he glares at her. “Has he confessed to you?”

He hesitates before nodding. “The last letter I got before I was captured. I didn’t get a chance to answer him.”

She sighs. “You’re both idiots.”

“What do I do?”

She levels a look at him that makes it clear that she thinks he is incredibly stupid. “You talk to him. Clear the air. Maybe finally tell him you love him too since you left him wondering all this time.”

“Sounds easy in theory, hard in execution,” he muses.

“Do  _ not _ make this a tactical campaign, Captain,” she snaps. “Invite him over for dinner. Have a nice date and catch up on the easy stuff and then talk about the hard stuff over a glass of whiskey.”

“Sounds like a tactical plan,” Shiro mumbles.

“Romance is not a military operation.”

“But I was _ good _ at those,” he complains, letting the whine creep into his voice.

“You’ll survive a conversation with your best friend, I promise,” Veronica says, barely holding back a laugh. “Pretty sure you could set the entire world on fire and he’d still be by your side.”

Takashi shakes his head with a laugh he doesn’t mean and steers the conversation to safer ground, asking Veronica how her siblings are doing. She sees right through his clumsy transition but allows it anyways, obviously deeming her goal accomplished for the afternoon.

He spends his time after dinner reading Keith’s last letter again, comparing it to what Veronica told him. His thoughts keep spiraling, so he writes them down, framing them in a letter to Keith that he never intends to send.

After that, he’s finally able to sleep.

Two weeks pass. He gets one more letter from Keith — short and mostly a reassurance that he’s alive and coming back soon — and reaches out to their mutual friends to start piecing together more of what Keith’s life has been like the past few years.

Matt and Katie and Hunk are all too willing to tell him stories now that he’s asking. He has a meeting with them to work on his prosthetic anyways, so they work and regale him with tales of Keith and how instrumental he’d been at the end of the war and in building their fragile peace.

Katie rambles on about how his dagger connects with the same magical core that fuels his Ability and amplifies it, how it allows the dagger to  _ somehow _ shift into a full sword. She is frustrated with the fact that such a thing should be impossible and yet she’s seen it with her own eyes on several occasions.

He learns that Veronica wasn’t exaggerating when she said Keith is one of the top intelligence agents. The trio of scientists aren’t entirely sure what his missions are since they’re not in the intelligence division, but Keith is the one who tests most of their inventions and ideas, suggesting alterations and alternate usages.

They know that Keith got the scar on his face right around the time that Shiro was rescued and put in an army hospital to recover and be debriefed and discharged. Katie has met his elusive mother and says she is terrifying but incredibly kind.

Takashi thinks Keith must take after her a lot, even though she missed his childhood.

Takashi writes more letters to Keith. Almost daily. He keeps them in a stack on his desk, neatly folded and unaddressed except for Keith’s name — titleless like it used to be.

He sleeps and dreams of them back on the sun-dappled banks of the stream on the Shirogane estate, of them holding hands and talking and promising to never let each other go again.

Those somehow make him blush more than the dreams he has of kissing Keith, of unravelling his braid, of touching without gloves in the way, of marking him as  _ his _ in whatever way Keith will let him.

The morning after he dreams about them doing more than holding hands in the grass by the stream, he blushes harder than ever and writes another letter describing all the dreams in as much detail as he dares. He tucks that one into his nightstand and vows to keep that one a secret. 

At the one month mark, Takashi receives another letter from Keith telling him that he is on his way back to the city, that he’ll be there in two days and maybe Takashi will be free to meet soon after? The tentativeness in the question, the obvious uncertainty that Takashi will want to see him, sends pain shooting through his chest.

Keith says to send word to Allura as he’ll be staying at her place. The ancestral Marmora townhouse is undergoing renovations after years of neglect, so he’s taken up residence in one of Allura’s many spare rooms whenever he’s in town.

Takashi arranges for a nice dinner for the day after Keith returns, wanting to give him a little time to rest and recover. He gives the cook a list of dishes he remembers Keith enjoying and tells her to make whatever she wants off of it. Her eyes gleam at the challenge and he knows she’ll have a veritable feast for them.

He expects to get a note from Keith confirming that he’ll be at Shiro’s the following day for dinner. He doesn’t expect a clearly exhausted Keith showing up on his doorstep at ten o’clock at night wearing worn-out, ill-fitting clothes and a warm smile.

That’s what he gets though.

“Sir? Are you sure you want to let this man in?” His butler is annoyed at someone coming to the house at an inappropriate hour and has clearly found Keith’s appearance wanting.

“He’s an old friend,” Takashi assures him. “Don’t worry about us, I’ll get our tea. Please return to your quarters and I promise no more disruptions tonight.”

The man huffs as he stalks off. Takashi makes a mental note to give the man a bottle of his favorite wine to make up for this.

Keith lingers on the doorstep, smile faded. “Are you sure? I know it’s late, I just…” he trails off, looking down at his feet. He looks more like the teenager Takashi grew up with than a spy with a glowing and dangerous reputation. He brings his eyes back up to meet Takashi’s. “I just wanted to see you.”

“I’m glad,” Takashi says with a smile of his own. “Come in, it’s chilly out tonight.”

Keith chuckles. “Warmer than where I’ve been.” He steps inside, pulling the door closed behind him. He locks it before Takashi has the chance to, giving him a sheepish expression and a shrug.

Takashi wastes no more time before pulling Keith into the hug he’s been wanting to give him for a month, for seven years.

Keith stiffens for a fraction of a second before melting into Takashi, wrapping his arms around his waist and tucking his face into his neck.

“Missed you,” Takashi whispers into Keith’s hair.

“Missed you too,” Keith replies, voice wavering like he’s holding back tears. “S’why I came straight here. Dropped my bag at the back door of Allura’s place and came to see you. Had to make sure I wasn’t imagining everything.”

“You’re really here,” Takashi says. “I’m here.”

“It’s just hard to believe sometimes,” Keith says. Takashi knows the feeling.

“Come on, let me make some tea and then we can sit for a little bit. You look dead on your feet.”

“Again with the flattery, Takashi.”

Takashi snorts and takes Keith’s hand to lead him back to the kitchen. He quickly prepares a pot of Keith’s favorite tea and then leads them towards the room Takashi is using as a study. It’s cozy and more informal than most of the rooms in the house. He wishes he was still holding Keith’s hand instead of the tray with the teapot and cups.

“I have a dinner planned for you tomorrow,” Takashi says as they settle onto the small sofa he likes to read on. “I sent the invitation to Allura’s like you said to do.”

“Dinner party?” Keith asks, curious.

Takashi shakes his head. “Just dinner. You and me.”

Keith smiles, soft and sweet. It’s an expression Takashi has always treasured. “I’d like that.”

“Then you’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“Kicking me out already, Takashi? Before you even pour me tea?”

“Never,” he breathes. He pours out, trying to ignore the blush he can feel on the back of his neck.

Keith hums in pleasure as he tastes the tea, made exactly the way he took it when they were growing up.

“Still take it the same way?” Takashi asks, suddenly aware that he didn’t ask.

Keith nods and takes another sip. “I do. It’s perfect, Takashi. Thank you.”

The silence stretches for a few moments, not as easy as it was in the past. “Did your assignment go well?” he asks.

“Yeah. More boring than dangerous or anything like that. Got the information we were looking for and left as soon as I could.” He gives Takashi a half smile. “Might have travelled back a little faster than normal.”

“I got your letters,” Takashi blurts out.

Keith blinks at him. “I’m glad they made it to you.”

“Little unfair that I couldn’t write back,” he says, and it’s only half a tease.

That earns him a little laugh. “You were never great at replying in a timely manner, anyways.”

Guilt burns through Takashi. How many times had Keith waited and waited and waited for a letter from him over the years, even as he himself sent them weekly? Takashi had taken it for granted, had given the excuse of schoolwork, the toil of military life, to not write back as often.

He thinks about the letters he wrote this past month, in a tidy stack on his desk behind him.

“I’m sorry,” he says finally.

“It’s fine, Takashi. That’s all in the past and I didn’t mind anyways, you were busy.”

Takashi doesn’t want to let this go, not now. “You were just as busy and yet you found the time. I shouldn’t have been too busy to write you back. You deserved better than that.”

Keith shakes his head. “It’s not about deserving, Takashi. I was always just glad that you didn’t go off and forget about the kid who was your shadow back home.”

Reaching over to take Keith’s hand feels like a necessity. “You were always so much more than that. You were my best friend. Still are, honestly, even after all this time apart.”

Keith swallows hard, not meeting Takashi’s eyes. “You too.”

Takashi’s heart squeezes at the almost resigned look on Keith’s face. “You know, I’ve heard now that you’re one of the best intelligence officers in the nation. Bet you outrank me too.”

Keith blushes. “Maybe.”

“Maybe,” Takashi echoes. “Come on, Keith. You have to listen to people call me Captain even though I’m retired, don’t I get to know?”

“We don’t advertise as much in the intelligence division,” Keith says.

“Keith,” Takashi whines.

“Don’t pull out the puppy dog eyes just for this. Takashi!”

Takashi keeps making the expression that Keith has always been weak to. It doesn’t feel as effective now that he’s scarred and has prematurely white hair that makes him look older than his twenty-six years, but Keith buckles just the same.

“Lieutenant-Colonel,” he mumbles. “Was promoted a few months ago.”

Takashi whistles. “ _ Two _ ranks up on me. Impressive, sir.”

Keith’s cheeks flare red. “ _ Takashi _ .”

“Just being respectful to my superior officer,” he teases.

Keith shoves at him. “Well, quit it.”

“It really is impressive though, Keith. I’m proud of you.”

Keith shrugs, face still pink. “Doesn’t make a whole lot of difference, except for the pay. My mom retired at Lieutenant-General when she got back. They kind of made her retire or she wouldn’t have.”

“I’m so glad you found your mom. That’s incredible.”

“She’s pretty great,” Keith says. “You’ll have to meet her next time she comes to town. I think you’ll like her.”

“I know I will,” Takashi says.

“I was the one who was sent to extract her,” Keith confides. “Kolivan, the Blade leader, knew the second he saw my dagger, but he didn’t tell me. Just gave me the mission and sent me on my way with the highly cryptic instruction that I would know her when I saw her, or that she’d know me.”

“Guess it worked out?”

“She took one look at me and dragged me off into an unused room to ask how I was there and why,” Keith says with a laugh. “First time I meet my mom as an adult and she was mother-henning me on an espionage assignment.”

“How’d she know it was you?”

“I look like her,” Keith says. “A lot.”

“I always thought you must take after your mom,” Takashi admits. “You didn’t get a lot of your dad’s looks.”

“I always wished I did,” Keith whispers, running a finger along the rim of his teacup. “It must have been hard for him to see her in me all those years.”

“You inherited his heart,” Takashi says, “his spirit of helping those who need help. He loved you so much.”

“I know he did,” he says. Then, “I still miss him.”

Takashi plucks the teacup out of Keith’s hands and sets it on the table before pulling his friend into a hug. “He would be so proud of you. He always was.”

Keith’s arms snake around Takashi’s waist and hold him tightly.

“I know I’ve said this a thousand times already, but I missed you so much, Takashi. You always know what to say to make things better.”

“Not always,” he says. “But I always want to make things better for you.”

Keith sucks in a sharp breath. “Takashi…”

“I mean it,” he says. “You have always made my life better, been my sunlight when I needed it most. I just want to be the same for you.”

Keith pulls back and looks Takashi straight in the eyes, expression soft but determined. “You are, Takashi. You always have been.”

“I was always leaving you,” he argues.

“You came back every time.”

“You made sure of it.”

Keith freezes. “You…”

“Veronica McClain,” Takashi says by way of explanation. “She came by to talk to me a few days after the ball. We became friends during the war. She told me that you are the one who spearheaded the mission to get me home.”

“I knew you weren’t dead,” Keith says, voice wavering. “I just needed other people to realize it too. I couldn’t just… Takashi, I couldn’t leave you out there. They wouldn’t let me go get you myself, but I made sure the best agents were sent.”

“Thank you,” he rasps out. “For believing in me. For getting me home.” He brushes Keith’s hair back, drags careful fingers over the scar on Keith’s cheek in an unvoiced question.

“They sent me out on a mission earmarked for one of the agents I put on your rescue team. It was the only time I’ve been compromised while working.” His hand drifts up to the scar on his cheek after Takashi drops his hand. “Took a knife to the face, but I made it out with the info and made it home to the news that you were  _ safe _ . That they’d gotten you back a week prior.”

“Keith…” He wants to tell him about why his own face bears a scar, of the moment of distraction when he thought he saw Keith, but his friend barrels on.

“As soon as my face healed, they sent me after my mom. I was gone for three months. Things kept happening and I didn’t know if you even wanted to see me so I didn’t…” He pauses, anguish pooling in his eyes. “I broke the promise I made you. I wasn’t there when you got home.”

“It doesn’t matter now. You’re here now. I know now.”

“But—”

“No buts.”

“I should have come to see you before the idea of it turned so terrifying and Allura had to trick us both.” Keith says. “I could’ve written you a letter.” He huffs. “I have plenty of practice.”

“I wrote you about fifteen letters in the last month because I couldn’t talk to you in person,” Takashi admits.

“I wrote you letters every week while you were in captivity because I wanted to give them to you when you came home.”

Takashi’s breath catches. “Do you still have them?”

Keith hesitates before nodding.

“Maybe one day you can share them with me? If you want?”

“I wrote them for you,” Keith says. “I just… you want to read them? After all this time?”

“Keith. I still have every letter you’ve ever written to me. I have every drawing. Remembering your words, remembering that I promised you that I would come home, is what got me through that year in captivity.”

Keith is shaking. “Every letter? Even…”

“I keep the last one I got from you before everything happened tucked into the pocket over my heart, Keith. I’ve kept it there since I found it in the things the army returned to my family when I got back. It was in my pocket when Allura introduced us at the ball.”

“Why?” Keith’s eyes are filled with wild hope.

“Don’t you know?” Takashi whispers. He cups Keith’s face in his hands.

Keith doesn’t move, doesn’t seem to even breathe.

“You told me that you hoped your love would protect me and keep me warm,” Takashi says. “It did, Keith. It kept me alive. It brought me back to you.”

“Takashi…”

“I’ve kept you waiting for so long,” Takashi continues. “I know a lot has happened since you wrote that letter and that we’re both different now. I don’t know if you still feel the same, but I love you, Keith. I love you with everything I am and have for so long.”

“I’ve been in love with you since before I knew what love was,” Keith says. “That hasn’t changed and it won’t ever change.”

“So you…”

“I love you, Takashi.”

His name has barely cleared Keith’s lips before Takashi captures them in a kiss. It’s better than all the dreams he’s had of kissing this man. Keith’s lips are a bit chapped and Takashi doesn’t know which one of them has tears on their face and maybe they’re pressing together too hard, but it’s perfect.

Keith pulls away and rests his forehead against Takashi’s. When Takashi leans forward to steal another kiss, he finds Keith’s smile instead and laughs into it. They kiss for long, luxurious minutes, learning the shape of the other’s mouth, learning the taste of their happiness and love.

The next time Keith pulls back, it’s for a jaw-cracking yawn. He gives Takashi a sheepish look. “I don’t want to let you go or stop kissing you, but I also haven’t slept in thirty-seven hours or so.”

“Keith!”

“I needed to see you!”

Takashi tucks a piece of hair behind Keith’s ear. “Stay here with me tonight? I can send someone to inform Allura where you are. You can have one of the guestrooms or…”

“Or?”

“Or you could stay with me in my room? I don’t want to let you go either.”

“Your room it is, then.” He yawns again.

Takashi stands and helps Keith to his feet. Once there, he sweeps Keith into his arms and sets off towards the stairs and his bedroom, ignoring Keith’s token protests at being carried.

They have so much to talk about still, years of catching up to do, years of healing and trauma to work through, but they have time now, Takashi thinks as he sets Keith gently on his bed.

They have time and they have each other and a love that has never faltered, even when it was unspoken.

They’ll be okay, he’s sure of it.

_ Keith, _

_ I went to assure Allura that you’re alive since I forgot to send a note last night. I hope to be back by the time you awake, but if I’m not… hopefully this letter will assure you that last night was not a dream. _

_ I love you. _

_ I love you. I love you. I love you. _

_ I’m going to tell you that every day for the rest of our lives. I promise you this. _

_ Yours forever. _

_ Love, _

_ Takashi _

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LionessNapping)!
> 
> there is every chance i will be back to add more words to this world in the future ♥


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